Wow, I ran into my old high school bully today

This morning, I was on the train with my mom to go into the city. My mom promised me if I went to the city to help her carry her bags she'd take me to Red Mango, and while I do not care for frozen yogurt, I figured I would just fill up a cup with the cookie dough bites and bleed that bitch dry. 

Anyway, as I was sitting on the train and leafing through the pages of my manga, I noticed a familiar face, wearing a suit, walk by and sit down a few rows behind me. My mom caught my gaze and asked me who that was. 

I explained that his name was Frank Chang and he was my Chinese bully in high school. He would give me swirlies whenever I was in the bathroom stalls (frequently laughing at how I had to pull my pants all the way down to pee), flushies when I was at the urinal (basically flushing the urinal while I was in mid stream, causing water to rush in and splash all over my pants), and slushies when I wasn't even in the bathroom (basically saving toilet water in a mason jar to splash all over me whenever he noticed I got an involuntary boner in gym class).

My mom said that I should go talk to him. I said "bitch, are you trippin?" but she explained that perhaps things had changed in the 15 years since 10th grade and that he seemed like a fully functional adult.

After a while of arguing (and after my mom confiscated my manga), I got up, wiped my sweaty hands on my kimono, and moved to the back of the train car.

"Hi Frank," I said nervous. Frank scrunched up his face, said hello, and gave me that "do I know you" look. "It's me, Toby, from high school," I said. "Oh, hey Toby," Frank responded. "How are you? How has your year been?"

I told him everything was going pretty well. I had been writing a lot of fanfiction, I have been trying to eat better, my son died, and I recently purchased a PS4.

Frank told me things were going well for him too. He had recently gotten married and his wife was pregnant with their first child. He mentioned that they had moved to a nice house in the suburbs, where he commutes to his job at an investment bank in the city, and were enjoying a normal, quiet life.

As many of you know, I am a huge amiibo collector, and I knew what he was trying to do and I wouldn't let Frank bully me again like he did 15 years ago. I reached under my kimono to pull out my tanto when I felt a hand on my shoulder.

"Please, do not spill blood on this train," the voice said. "Allow me to act instead; I'm FINNa take down some bullies." I then saw a fist slam into Frank's face, and Frank slumped forward, his head crashing into the seat in front of him. His body twitched a little and then didn't move.

I turned around to thank my new friend and found out it was none other than actor John "Star War" Boyega! 

Before I could open my mouth to thank him, John "Star War" Boyega said "there is nuFINN I hate more than bullies. As a young actor in my prime, I take great pleasure in policing the trains of the Northeast with my fist. Seeing you stand up to this cruel man has inspired me to take action in my own life. I am going to quit acting to realize my true passion: working part time at Home Depot while attending community college night courses so I can eventually become a medical assistant."

John "Star War" Boyega bowed to me, gave me a kiss on a cheek, and handed me an envelope. "In this envelope is a $25 Gift Card to Best Buy," he stated. "Use it wisely."

Like that, he was gone, and I went back to my seat. I reached into my satchel and pulled out a breadsticks sandwich. Taking a bite, I thought to myself "what a nice man." The train pulled up to our stop and as I was getting off, I threw the gift card into the trash. Best Buy is for plebes anyway.

my dumbass mom forgot to tuck me in last night and now my whole day feels off

i'm so fucking pissed right now. last night my mom went to bed without tucking me in. i laid in bed all night like a fucking idiot, waiting for my mom to come in and tuck me. i didnt even drink the warm milk (normally i save that for after she tucks me in).

I woke up and my neck was stiff, covers were all over the place, and obv i had wet the bed again. as many of you know, i am a huge amiibo collector, and when i confronted my mom she just said that she was sorry and that she was exhausted from work. 

i told her that was no excuse, we all got jobs. i drove to work and the whole day i've just been feeling like crap. i can't focus on anything. when i went to pee i missed the urinal (left curve), i spilled coffee all over my desk, RUINING my DoA Hitomi mousepad, etc. 

i'm so mad that i could kiss a man, hard, on the lips. i just want this fucking day to end, CE. how are you guys?

touched a girl's hand on the train today, it was dope

i was on the train this morning, commuting to my job in the city when a 919 hottie came up to me. we were both holding onto the pole. 

i had been eating a jimmy dean's egg sandwich and i had forgotten a napkin so i was getting my grease all over the pole. the girl's hand touched my jimmy deans snail trail and she moved her hand up the pole to avoid it.

little did she know my hand was waiting there like a coiled cobra ready to strike (i wasnt going to strike this girl, its an expression). she brushed my hand on the way to grabbing the pole again. she said out loud "ugh, this pole is disgusting" and I got nervous and said "have a good day" and got off at the wrong stop. 

still it was pretty dope though. going to try and brush up against her next time if shes on the train. got to bring napkins too because i had to lick my fingers and they tasted metallic

Thinking about having kids so nobody calls me a virgin anymore

since I am a foreveralone I was thinking of adopting a kid, so I can say I plowed his mom and she died or something. 

i do not know much about kids but I was thinking I'd adopt one a little older so that way he is indoor trained and stuff. Then I just need to buy some clothes and send him to school and stuff. that isn't bad because I drive by the local elementary school on my way to work so it seems pretty easy.

i am tired of being bullied at work for being a virgin. whenever i go into the break room everyone will yell "sound the virgin alarm!" and start making ambulance noises while I prepare my bowl of honey nut cheerios. it is embarrassing and i just want to eat my dereal (desk-cereal) in peace. i am tired of my coworkers leaving condoms on my desk and then when i sit down they all come and take them away because they say i will never need these.

am i ready to become a father? please advise.

First time you ever felt discriminated against?

This actually happened to me about a week ago.

Normally I've never had a problem interacting with people, but about a week ago my race became a factor. 

I was going out to dinner with a date, and when the hostess first saw me, she gave me kind of a weird look. I figured this was due to my outfit (Kenshiro Fist of the North Star T-shirt and matching headband) but just shrugged it off and was seated.

Anyway, the waitress came over and, again, gave me a weird look. She said something under her breath and then asked for my order. I requested water and for some of the complimentary breadsticks (I asked for extra, as my date was very hungry). 

What she didn't know was that the date was actually a prostitute that I was paying to NOT eat the breadsticks. I made her carry a large purse (trashbag wrapped in fake pleather material) and she started loading in the breadsticks. 

As many of you know, I am a huge Amiibo collector, so after they were packed away, I exclaimed "those breadsticks are delicious, but they do noting to satiate my huuuuuuunger!"

At this point, a middle aged man with a large mustache approached my table and told me to leave. "I am the manager of this Olive Garden. We have seen you in this restaurant twice a week for the last month," he informed me. "I know you are using these breadsticks for sandwiches for the month, and while I admire your self-starting ability and industrious nature, we simply cannot afford to provide you with these nutrient and calorie packed appetizers." 

I knew I had to think fast because otherwise I would not have any sandwiches for January. "Sir," I said. "I cannot pay for these breadsticks, but I can PRAY for these breadsticks." We then joined hands and said the Lord's Prayer. At the end of the prayer, I stated "In Ronald Reagan's name we pray."

I saw a sparkle in the eye of the manager and he pulled off his mustache, revealing himself to be none other than Ted "Smile Through the Tears" Cruz.

"My boy," Ted "Smile Through the Tears" Cruz said, "Your adherence to traditional American values of taking what you want because it is convenient by invoking religion has inspired me to beat Donald Trump and receive the GOP nomination. When I am president, I will destroy ISIS and replace all colleges with Wal Marts. " Ted "Smile Through the Tears" Cruz winked at me. "But I will need a running mate, and I'd like you as my VP, where you can have all the breadsticks you need to make sandwiches for the month ahead."

I accepted, Ted "Smile Through the Tears" Cruz kissed me on the cheek, and like that, he was gone. It turns out he was not actually the manager of Olive Garden, however, and I had to pay for the meal, which was bullshit and complete discrimination since they are supposed to be complimentary.

I'm coming out to my parents as otherkin tonight.

All my life I've felt different than others. I've always had trouble fitting in and accepting my body and identity has always been an uphill battle for me.

However, recently I have become more honest about myself and my otherkin identity and have started to embrace it. As many of you know, I am a huge Amiibo collector, and I have long since realized my true self.

So, tonight I will approach my parents and tell them that I identify as Thomas the Tank Engine-kin. I have already begun preparations to make my life more in line with his. I will frequently put the shower on full heat and travel around in the steamy room, tooting and imagining myself riding the rails with my friends Gordon and Henry. I have also begun to focus on intensive butt exercises at the gym, 5 or 6 days a week, in order to cultivate a large caboose. I am becoming well versed on topics like friendship, determination, and global warming (as I will be expected to burn large amounts of coal in my new identity).

I hope my parents can accept me for who I am, and that CE can as well!

Wow, I hate talking to console gamers.

Last weekend I had to attend my son's wake. It turns out that he is even more boring in death than he was in life, so I had to sit there playing or my phone while a few of his dumb little classmates filtered in and out to tell me how sorry they were for my loss.

I was just hanging out in the back of the funeral home, eating an Olive Garden breadsticks sandwich I had brought from home and getting Hard (I had brought a Mike's Hard from home as well) when I noticed my cousin, Ross, walk into the funeral parlor. 

I rolled my eyes. Ross is even MORE annoying than my (dead) son. He does not care about the code of bushido, reads inferior western novels with no pictures, and, worst of all, is an ardent console gamer. I knew that the second Ross saw me, he would want to start a debate about console gaming.

I noticed Ross walking up to me and greeted him. As many of you know, I am a huge Amiibo collector, so I tried to at least be cordial with him. "Sorry for your loss, boss," said Ross, looking cross. "By the way, did you get a chance to play the new Tomb Raider on Xbox One?"

I rolled my eyes. The console debate was beginning. "The game is hot," Ross stated, "and coincidentally, the Earth has not been getting much hotter. There simply is not enough Carbon being pumped into the atmosphere to create any sort of tangible climate change, and the records we have of climate change long-term are inconclusive and inaccurate at best. Global Warming is a myth."

I sighed. This was the same tired debate console gamers had been spouting for years, and I did not want to entertain it. "The new Tomb Raider does look pretty cool," I admitted, "but I believe that we can already see the effects of climate change in our world today, and records such as ice cores can provide good evidence of climate change. It is a universally agreed concept that the climate is changing in some way and it is an issue to consider."

Ross appeared visibly upset. I could tell that poking holes in his precious console gaming argument was pissing him off. However, it was when Ross reached into his the pockets of his JNCO jeans that I knew something was wrong. 

"He's got a bomb!" I yelled, as I saw Ross pull a detonator out. All of a sudden, a single gunshot rang out and Ross collapsed to the ground. Standing in the back of the funeral home was Democratic Icon Bernie Sanders, revolver in hand.

"I knew that climate change would cause this act of terrorism," said Democratic Icon Bernie Sanders. "I just want this world to be safe for my great, great, grandchildren once my brittle old bones are buried deep within the earth, and Gaia reclaims my spirit."

I dragged Ross' corpse into my son's casket and closed the lid, hoping the funeral director would give me a bulk funeral discount. Democratic Icon Bernie Sanders came over and shook my hand. "My boy, this certificate I hold is good for 10% off any appetizer at Longhorn Steakhouse. I was going to use it to celebrate my upcoming 200th birthday, but instead I would like you to use it to buy yourself a fine order of Texas Cheese Fries."

"Likewise," Democratic Icon Bernie Sanders continued, "I would like you to become my new son. As soon as you convert to Judaism, I will call you Toby Shinobi-Sanders and we will have a catch."

Democratic Icon Bernie Sanders then kissed me on the cheek, and like that, he was gone. I put in my earbuds and rode out the rest of the stupid wake. Overall, it was a good day!

Wow, I was stopped by the police this morning.

My mind is still reeling. This morning, I was driving my son to the hospital (went into diabetic shock) and I was racing really hard to get to Taco Bell before they stopped serving breakfast (I was really fucking hungry and can't fill out those boring hospital forms on an empty stomach). 

As I was speeding up to approach my favorite restaurant, I noticed police lights go on behind me. I quickly slipped my Tanto underneath the front seat and waited for the cop to come up to me.

The officer came up to my window and knocked on the glass. He asked if I could roll it down, and I rolled it down a tiny crack. He asked if I could roll it down further and I said "EEEE-YEEEH" (this is "no" in my traditional Japanese tongue for you gaijin). The cop looked confused and asked for my license and registration.

Now, as many of you know, I am a huge Amiibo collector, so suffice to say, I knew my rights. Through the crack in the window, I passed the cop a copy of the Bill of Rights and Ron Paul's book, The Revolution: A Manifesto. 


After the cop read a few chapters of Ron Paul's book, he handed me back my sacred documents and was about to leave, when he heard a banging from the trunk. "Shit," I thought to myself, as I realized I had forgotten to bound my son's hands in the trunk. 

The cop asked me to pop the trunk, and fearing his police brutality (I could tell this cop would kill indiscriminately if given the chance) I opened it. He was immediately taken aback by the sight of my unconscious son twitching in the trunk.

I tried to explain that it was simply due to me not wanting my son to vomit on the seats and ruin the cloth interior, but the cop did not listen and pulled out his People Killer (gun). He pointed it at me and told me I was under arrest.

This was when something amazing happened. My son awoke from his diabetic coma for a moment and said "Officer, please do not physically assault my father and then become suspended with pay for two weeks. Touch not his jaw with your gun's butt, but rather touch his heart with your words and faith." At this moment, my son went into his pocket and produced a small crucifix, which he handed to the officer.

However, this was no ordinary crucifix. The Jesus on the cross was black, and on the back of the crucifix was inscribed "#AllLivesMatter". The officer couldn't believe his eyes. "But... how... is this... possible?" he said, looking at the profound statement before him. His flesh melted off his bones like in Indiana Jones 1 and he collapsed to the ground. 

In his last dying breath, my son gasped "#CopLivesMatter" and drifted off into the Shadow Realm. I closed his eyes, closed the trunk, and drove home. I had already missed Taco Bell breakfast at this point.

Anyway, how was your morning CE?

Not to brag, but I was just pre-approved for a Gamestop credit card.

Just got an email this morning and I can't contain my excitement. I've always dreamed about something like this happening, and now today my dreams have become a reality.

I had to step away from my desk for a minute. Lightheaded, I stumbled into the bathroom and threw up. Me, a Gamestop credit card holder? And they approved ME? 

I imagined the CEO of Gamestop saying "Wow, GB is a great gamer and an even greater friend. He deserves an easy way to get the games he needs, especially since he is at a point in his life where a $60 video game is something that he needs to break up into 6 separate payments."

You want to know the best part? 26.99% interest rate. You'd have to be stupid NOT to get this card. I'm basically getting paid to play video games now!

Sorry for ranting, I just wanted to show my excitement.

Wow, my son came out to me last night

My buddies and I were hanging out at my place last night, watching Wednesday Night Football (we tape Monday night football so we can all watch it together on Wednesday). My son was also there (ugh) because I guess his mom couldn't watch him that night. Whatever. I was still gong to watch the game.

Jorge came over with a case of Mike's Hard (sweet!) and we got to business. By the end of the first quarter, I had pounded like 4 or 5 Mikes Hards. The game was really good too. Just so many moments that football fans like us thrive on. As many of you know, I am a huge Amiibo collector, so my friends and I were going absolutely NUTS at some of the plays being done. 

We were all pretty tipsy at this point, and I eventually got the good idea to get my son to fetch us Mike's Hards while we watched the game (fast forwarding through the commercials, of course). When the third quarter started, Jorge turned to me and said, "Esse, this is great. These big, burly men are putting on quite a show and I am having a good time." I agreed. "This game is awesome," I said. "And things couldn't be better. I've got my friends at my side, and my son is getting me Hard every few minutes."

I then turned to my son, who had just fetched me another Mike's Hard, and I told him I had enough to drink (I'd had like 6 or 7 Mike's Hards at this point and I had my first day at my new job as a night security guard in an hour) and asked if he would like to sit down and watch the rest of the game with us. 

My son sheepishly looked at the floor and said. "Dad... I don't really like football." The room was silent. I knew what this meant and I immediately embraced my son. "Son," I said, "I will love you no matter what, regardless of your sexuality. You are my child, and I don't care if you are straight, gay, bisexual, or even a Chinese. In my eyes you wil always just be my son."

My son started crying like a little bitch and I embraced him again. "I knew you'd understand," he said to me, in between muffled sobs.

From the couch I heard Jorge speak up. "Toby," he said, "I have a confession to make as well. I do not like football either. I greatly prefer European Football, where a bunch of wimps run around kicking a soft, friendly ball into a net, stopping only to have orange slices and reapply hair products. I only came over here because I love getting Hard with you."

I was immediately filled with a rage. "Get the fuck out of my house, you animal!" I screamed at Jorge. "I understand," Jorge said. He gave my son and I a kiss on the cheek and then climbed into his Yaris. Jorge tried to drive off, but unbeknown to him, I had slashed his tires hours earlier, and the sparks from driving on his wheels caused the entire car to ignite into flames. 

Overall, though, it was a great night, and I am so proud of my son for being honest with me. How are you all doing?

Wow, my date last night went so well!

Due to my busy, rock-n-roll lifestyle, I do not have time much to date, and when I do date women, I find that they are only using me for my money. I also hate introducing them to my son, not because it is hard to explain to my son but because he's so fucking boring and he just keeps talking on and on and on.

Anyway, last week my NA sponsor introduced me to a girl that I really hit it off with. Last night, she hit me up, asking if I was busy. I said I was free (I was supposed to go to my kid's school play but he can't fucking act anyway) and she suggested we meet up at a local Mexican place. I said sure, but my mom hadn't given me my allowance this week and the rest of my money was tied up in stocks. Thankfully, I had a few tricks up my sleeve!

We met up at the Mexican place and I immediately ordered two waters from the waitress. She brought over a basket of tortilla chips and asked us if we would like to start off with some appetizers. I said "i'll have some nachos," and she said "ok, I'll go get those for you" but then I stopped her and told her we already had them. She laughed nervously and left. 

When the waitress was gone, I told my date to go wash her hands before she laid a finger on the food (I said I'm a germophobe). Now this is where I got creative!

As many of you know, I am a huge Amiibo collector, so I knew to come prepared to dinner. I reached into my trash bag and pulled out a block of cheese, which I grated over the tortilla chips. I then went back into the trash bag and removed my secret ingredient, a can of my son's Fancy Feast. I emptied the contents of the can onto the chips, mixed them all together, and poured on some salt for seasoning.

My next step was to swap out the menus that the restaurant had provided. The menus had a variety of traditional Mexican dishes (beef and cheese wrapped in tortillas is like 95% of it, real fucking original) but they are all very expensive. I replaced it with a menu I had brought from home with just one item on them.

When my date returned, she saw the nachos and exclaimed "wow, these nachos look great! they look like authentic nachos, straight from a traditional Mexican restaurante (that's Spanish for restaurant)!" I smiled and said "they sure do," as my date scooped up a big chunk of cat food.

The waitress returned and asked if we were ready to order. I said I was and my date said "I would like the BreadStick Sandwich, with Extra Mystery Meat." I ordered the same as well, told the waitress she wasn't getting back the menu, and then told my date that she had spilled nacho crap on her when she started wolfing down those chips that were for both of us to share. 

However, there was no spill! I knew that it would just be a minute or two before the waitress realized there were no BreadStick Sandwiches, and I needed to act fast. I went into my trash can and removed two Olive Garden BreadSticks and two cans of Fancy Feast. I loaded up the BreadSticks and placed them in front of my date's seat and myself and waited for her to return.

The waitress came back confused, saying the menus did not seem correct, and I told her that she was probably just high and should not work in food service.

My date then returned. "Wowzers!" she exclaimed when she saw the sandwich. "This gourmet meal seems to be way above my expectations that I hold for this establishment!" She reached into her purse. "To thank you for this dating experience, I would like to present you with a $50 gift card to Best Buy." 

I bowed to my date, told her there was a family emergency, left the restaurant, and went home to eat my real dinner (more breadsticks). What a night! How was your day, CE?

Wow, I got to put a Conservative in his place this morning.

This morning, before walking to the welfare office, I figured I'd stop in at my local Starbucks and get a Chai Latte.

In front of me in line was a man that I could tell right off the bat was a hardcore Conservative. He was wearing Capitalism Prison Garbs (a suit) and was talking on his Blackberry about mergers and profit & loss. I was feeling sick to my stomach even looking at this monster, but I knew my parole officer said I can't afford another Starbucks fight, so I kept to myself. 

When it was my turn to order, the shithead working behind the counter (a teenage girl that frequently appropriates my Japanese culture) nervously asked for my order. Normally, I just give them my traditional Japanese name (Toby Shinobi), but today, being next to that Conservative, I decided to have a little fun. When the barista asked my name, I winked and said "Syria Sam."

Immediately, I saw the Capitalist Pig hang up his phone and glare at me. I raised my arms, pretending to stretch, but in reality I was just trying to show off my knuckle tattoos to this joker - I have LOVE tattooed on my left knuckles and PEACE on my right knuckles (I have two pinkies on my right hand). 

"Get the fuck out of my country," the Conservative grumbled at me. I saw him reach for his revolver and I knew I had to act fast. "Your kind is not welcome here," the Conservative continued. "You will just spread terrorism and take our jobs. Just last year, I lost my job as Director of IT to three undocumented Mexican laborers who were willing to work this job in tandem for 10 dollars a day." 

I knew I had to think fast. As many of you know, I am a huge Amiibo collector, so I picked up my Chai Latte and chucked it at the Conservative's Ten Gallon Hat. It flew off and hit the ground. The Conservative was phased, and I grabbed him by his Noose of Capitalism (necktie) and dragged him over to a table, where I tied the Conservative down with his own lasso, removed the spurs from his cowboy boots (for my own safety) and began to lecture him on the errors of his ways.

"My friend," I stated. "Please do not fear the immigrants. They mean you no harm. Today was a lesson, that you should not judge a man by the region he comes from, or the color of his skin. Unfortunately, your skin is white, which is the absence of color, and I sentence you to die."

I picked up the Conservative's six-shooter and fired a bullet right in his smug industrialist face. Blood covered the entire Starbucks and I heard the dumb fucking barista whine about how she couldn't do her job now (oh yeah, like THIS was the reason you couldn't do your job for the last SIX MONTHS I've been coming to this fucking place). 

I was about to leave Starbucks when I heard clapping from the corner of the room. An old man with a twinkle in his eye walked up to me, and I noticed it was none other than Democratic Socialist Bernie Sanders. 

"Thank you, young American," Democratic Socialist Bernie Sanders said to me. "This man was my evil brother, Ronnie Sanders. Ronnie is an uncaring capitalist that was about to go to work and implement a rule where women are required to work extra hours while pregnant. I come here from the future, where I was going to kill my brother."

"You see," Democratic Socialist Bernie Sanders said to me, "when I become POTUS in 2016, my policies will lead to a increase in scientific funding that will lead to time travel. After the Great Awakening of 2040, towards the end of my 4th term, time travel is invented, but unfortunately Ronnie has went back in time to create policies that are both anti-family and pro-time paradox."

Democratic Socialist Bernie Sanders gave me a light pat on the rear. "As a reward for your good deed, I will give you $100 and let you select one toy from toy aisle at CVS." He kissed me on the cheek and, like that, he was gone.

What a morning!

Wow, my son was fat-shamed this morning.

This morning, my son and I went to Denny's to celebrate my one week of sobriety (lol yeah right).

We were sitting at the table, my son babbling on about being bullied at school or some crap ( couldn't tell, had my earbuds in), when the waitress came up and asked to take our order. I got my usual drink (coffee with 5 sugars and 5 creams), ordered my son a glass of water (I'm not made of money), and I told the waitress that we'd like to start off with a round of breadsticks.

The waitress looked at us stupidly and got confused. She said they don't normally serve appetizers with breakfast and she wasn't sure if Denny's had breadsticks, but I told her that I had brought some from home (went to Olive Garden last night) and she could just go get us our drinks before I lose my fucking mind.

So she goes to get the drinks and everything is ok. I began to eat as many breadsticks as I could while my son was telling me about how his teacher at school were hitting him or something. I just figured this was my penance for not practicing safe sex and focused on my breadsticks.

After a little while, my son had to get up to use the bathroom, but when he tried to get out he told me that he was stuck under the table. The table was just too far towards his side of the booth, and his round little body could not get out.

Just as this was happening, he waitress came by with our drinks and said "oh my god, i am sorry, let me help you move that table." As many of you know, I am a huge Amiibo collector, so I said, "stop right there, you vile wench. I will not stand you fat-shaming my rolly polly little boy. I did not come here to have my family made a spectacle of. I came here to eat as many pancakes as possible for $4. There is nothing 'physically' wrong with my son and to avoid feeling ashamed of his body, he will have to accept that his new life is being wedged between this table and booth." 

Just as I was getting up to slap the waitress across her smug fucking face, my son said something that amazed me. "Father," he said to me, "I have accepted that this is my body, and I will not be able to ever lose any weight, as my body is already in starvation mode. Please do not strike this incompetent waitress with your first; instead, strike her heart with the Word of the Lord." At this moment, my son produced a small crucifix from his pocket and handed it to the waitress.

The waitress immediately began weeping, begged God to forgive her for living in sin with her boyfriend, and ran out of the restaurant crying. The entire Denny's was SILENT, when all of a sudden a sound of clapping was heard from the back of the restaurant. 

A man stepped forward towards our table, and it was none other than Republican Candidate Ted Cruz! "Hello," Republican Candidate Ted Cruz said. "I was just cruz-ing around town, looking for an American diner to eat at, when I heard the wails of your fat son and had to come in here to speak with you both." 

Republican Candidate Ted Cruz contined. "Your son's acceptance of how God has made him and his resistance in the face of any change has motivated me to never give up on my quest to become the President of the United States," he said. "I will kill Bernie Sanders and bathe in the blood of his children. To thank you for encouraging me to fight for what is right in the US, I would like to award you with a $100 gift card to Best Buy."

Republican Candidate Ted Cruz then turned to my so. "As for you, my boy," he said, "I will come by this Denny's once a week to massage your fat legs to prevent you from getting bed sores, as you live your new life in this Denny's booth."

With that, Republican Candidate Ted Cruz gave us both a kiss on the cheek and drove off in his mint colored Prius.

What a morning! How are you all today?

Check out this great lifehack I have to get the most out of dining out!

I am a very thrifty shopper, and it is important to me that when I am eating out, I am getting the best deal possible.

Here is a great trick I use when visiting my favorite spots. In this case, I will use the restaurant Olive Garden.

Before going out to the restaurant, you will need to acquire a few things. You'll need a friend (who will wait in the car), a trash bag, an empty ring box, some shoe polish, and some nice clothing. 

When you get to the restaurant, ask for a table for two. Tell the waitress that you are waiting for a date with a girl that you met on OKCupid, and that if she doesn't show up, you will kill yourself. This will make the waitress feel nervous yet sympathetic, because she knows that you are one negative dining experience away from joining The Black Parade.

When you are seated, take your drink order (water, of course) and the waitress will bring over the breadstick basket. As many of you know, I am a huge Amiibo collector, sp take the breadsticks and empty them into the trash bag. Loudly exclaim "Yummy nummy stickies in my tummy" and pat your stomach as the waitress walks by.

She will likely say "my my, what a big boy you are" or something to that effect and bring over another basket. This part is key - you can probably dump about two more baskets into your trash bag before the waitress will get suspicious.

At this point, tell your friend to honk the horn. Yell out "oh wow, my date's here!" and go outside with the trash bag. Empty the trash bag of breadsticks into the backseat. Then, on your way back in the restaurant, go back to your table and start crying (using the water your ordered earlier).

The waitress will ask what's wrong, knowing your life is on the line. At this point, take out the empty ring box and tell her the woman was the love of your life. She will ask if there is anything she can do to make it better, and at this point, you should ask for more breadsticks. 

Fill up your bag three more times, and then go back outside, stating that you noticed someone slashing your tires and you will have to change it. Empty the bag, cover yourself in the shoe polish, to imitate grease, and come back, where you can fill your bag 3 more times and then empty it in the car, and drive the hell out of there without paying (breadsticks and water are free, of course). 

This will net you about 9 baskets full of breadsticks, and since you said there were two in your party, you will get 3 sticks per basket. That's a total of 27 breadsticks. You can use those to make sandwiches for the month.

I hope this helps someone! Happy dining!

Wow, I guess violent video games DO make people more aggressive.

Allow me to explain. Last night, I received a text from my girlfriend telling me that she was "craving the BBC." I thought this was odd because she normally does not watch much TV, and is not really into British television.

She told me that she had sent me the wrong text message, and that she really meant that she missed me, so I hopped in my car and headed on down to her place (even though she was being nice and said not to come over, that I should get rest for work tomorrow, etc).

When I got there, she was wearing a towel and I immediately noticed something was off. The sheets in my girlfriend's room were a mess and her clothes were all over the floor (she is normally very neat). I thought nothing of it though, said Konichiwa, and we sat down on the couch to watch some BBC shows. 

Now as many of you know, I am a huge Amiibo collector, so as we sat down and watched TV, I knew something was wrong. I turned around and looked at the closet, which I noticed as ajar. I thought that was odd.

"Tracy Tran," I told my girlfriend, "I am going to use the basurumu (bathroom for you gaijin). Arigato. I will be back after the toilet bowl gods have had their fill of my brown loaf." 

I walked towards the bathroom, and as I went there, I noticed that among my girlfriend's clothes were some articles clothing that were neither mine nor hers - a pair of baggy jeans, a Supreme hoodie, a pair of Jordans, and a NY yankees fitted cap. I saw the closet door move slightly and knew something was up.

I ran to the closet door (as my girlfriend started screaming), threw open the door, and in the closet was a large fully nude white man. 

I immediately went into a rage, and utilized techniques from the hours of vidya that I play daily to subdue the man (blitzball to the dome). As I was prepared to execute the man (as is tradition in Japan), my girlfriend begged me to stop and explained what happened.

"I lied to you earlier when I said that craving the BBC meant British television," she said. "What I really meant was Bodacious Belgian Chocolate. This man's name is Thomas Janssens and he is a chocolatier from Belgium that was going to prepare a chocolate fondue feast for us to eat on our anniversary. He informed me that he needed to get fully nude to prepare this feast, as he did not want to ruin his $3k worth of Hypebeast clothing."

"However," Tracy continued, "as you have ruined the surprise and the chocolate, for our anniversary I will instead get to have another sexual encounter with a craigslist man of my choosing."

I bowed to both Thomas and Tracy and told them that I understood, and immediately left, as I just realized I had forgotten to pick up my son from school that afternoon.

Anyway, my question for you CE is, do you think violent video games make people more aggressive? I know in my case that they do.

Wow, my son and I had the most incredible experience this morning.

I had my son this morning due to a teacher's convention, and as a result, I had to cart his ass around all morning while I did my errands.

My son and I were walking to Taco Bell to get me a free crunchwrap (I told him he can't eat them because they're bad for growing boys, lol). He was trying to tell me about some problem he was having at school with some bullies or some kind of shit, but I had my headphones turned up pretty loud so thankfully Iron Maiden was able to drown out his whining as we made our way to the restaurant.

Along the way, we saw this really dirty, sorry looking homeless man sitting on the side of the road. He had torn clothing on, a big grey beard, and in his hands were a cardboard sign ("Please help - hungry and homeless") and a dented coffee cup with a few coins in it.

As many of you know, I am a huge Amiibo collector, so I told my son not to make eye contact with the man, and we picked up our pace so we could get to Taco Bell for our (well, my) free crunchwrap.

As we were walking by, we heard a liberal say "hey look, a homeless man! Let's give him some handouts! He'll love those!" I turned around and saw this liberal reaching into his vegan, cruelty-free pleather wallet, where he unfolded some crisp $100 bills and began to hand them to the homeless man.

"What the fuck is this liberal nutcase doing?" I said to my son. "Somebody needs to stop him before he ruins this homeless man's life."

That was when my son did something that amazed everyone.

He walked over to the liberal and put his hands on the liberal's shoulder. "Stop," my son stated calmly. "Hold onto your handouts and I will give this man something worth more than all the money in the world."

My son produced a small crucifix from his pocket and handed it to the homeless man. The homeless man's eyes swelled up with tears. "Thank you," he said, crying like a little bitch. "Christ's ultimate sacrifice on the cross has taught me to value hard work and traditional family values above all."

Just as the homeless man was holding up his new cruficix, a man walked by, saw the commotion, and stopped. He approached the homeless man, and I realized this was none other than comedy legend Chris Tucker.

"Hello sir," Chris Tucker said to our new homeless friend. "I noticed your Christian faith as I was walking on my way to get a free crunchwrap from Taco Bell. You may be aware that, in addition to my acting career, I also have a career as an operator of various Chick Fil A franchises in this location. I am looking for a man of good moral character and faith to operate our deep fryers. I would like to offer you the chance of a lifetime, to work at my restaurant and collect roughly $7/hr."

The homeless man accepted the offer and went home to put on his best rags. Chris Tucker then turned to my son. "Young man, what you have done today was incredible. I would like to offer you a job at Chick Fil A as well, being the manager of this homeless man. I will also write your dad a check for $100."

I patted my son on his back. I was so proud. "Now," Chris Tucker said, "what does a black man have to do around here to get a free crunchwrap?"

We all laughed, and together, my son, Chris Tucker, and I went to Taco Bell and enjoyed our crunchwraps together (my son didn't get one though). What a day!