This morning, my son and I went to Denny's to celebrate my one week of sobriety (lol yeah right).
We were sitting at the table, my son babbling on about being bullied at school or some crap ( couldn't tell, had my earbuds in), when the waitress came up and asked to take our order. I got my usual drink (coffee with 5 sugars and 5 creams), ordered my son a glass of water (I'm not made of money), and I told the waitress that we'd like to start off with a round of breadsticks.
The waitress looked at us stupidly and got confused. She said they don't normally serve appetizers with breakfast and she wasn't sure if Denny's had breadsticks, but I told her that I had brought some from home (went to Olive Garden last night) and she could just go get us our drinks before I lose my fucking mind.
So she goes to get the drinks and everything is ok. I began to eat as many breadsticks as I could while my son was telling me about how his teacher at school were hitting him or something. I just figured this was my penance for not practicing safe sex and focused on my breadsticks.
After a little while, my son had to get up to use the bathroom, but when he tried to get out he told me that he was stuck under the table. The table was just too far towards his side of the booth, and his round little body could not get out.
Just as this was happening, he waitress came by with our drinks and said "oh my god, i am sorry, let me help you move that table." As many of you know, I am a huge Amiibo collector, so I said, "stop right there, you vile wench. I will not stand you fat-shaming my rolly polly little boy. I did not come here to have my family made a spectacle of. I came here to eat as many pancakes as possible for $4. There is nothing 'physically' wrong with my son and to avoid feeling ashamed of his body, he will have to accept that his new life is being wedged between this table and booth."
Just as I was getting up to slap the waitress across her smug fucking face, my son said something that amazed me. "Father," he said to me, "I have accepted that this is my body, and I will not be able to ever lose any weight, as my body is already in starvation mode. Please do not strike this incompetent waitress with your first; instead, strike her heart with the Word of the Lord." At this moment, my son produced a small crucifix from his pocket and handed it to the waitress.
The waitress immediately began weeping, begged God to forgive her for living in sin with her boyfriend, and ran out of the restaurant crying. The entire Denny's was SILENT, when all of a sudden a sound of clapping was heard from the back of the restaurant.
A man stepped forward towards our table, and it was none other than Republican Candidate Ted Cruz! "Hello," Republican Candidate Ted Cruz said. "I was just cruz-ing around town, looking for an American diner to eat at, when I heard the wails of your fat son and had to come in here to speak with you both."
Republican Candidate Ted Cruz contined. "Your son's acceptance of how God has made him and his resistance in the face of any change has motivated me to never give up on my quest to become the President of the United States," he said. "I will kill Bernie Sanders and bathe in the blood of his children. To thank you for encouraging me to fight for what is right in the US, I would like to award you with a $100 gift card to Best Buy."
Republican Candidate Ted Cruz then turned to my so. "As for you, my boy," he said, "I will come by this Denny's once a week to massage your fat legs to prevent you from getting bed sores, as you live your new life in this Denny's booth."
With that, Republican Candidate Ted Cruz gave us both a kiss on the cheek and drove off in his mint colored Prius.
What a morning! How are you all today?
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