This morning, before walking to the welfare office, I figured I'd stop in at my local Starbucks and get a Chai Latte.
In front of me in line was a man that I could tell right off the bat was a hardcore Conservative. He was wearing Capitalism Prison Garbs (a suit) and was talking on his Blackberry about mergers and profit & loss. I was feeling sick to my stomach even looking at this monster, but I knew my parole officer said I can't afford another Starbucks fight, so I kept to myself.
When it was my turn to order, the shithead working behind the counter (a teenage girl that frequently appropriates my Japanese culture) nervously asked for my order. Normally, I just give them my traditional Japanese name (Toby Shinobi), but today, being next to that Conservative, I decided to have a little fun. When the barista asked my name, I winked and said "Syria Sam."
Immediately, I saw the Capitalist Pig hang up his phone and glare at me. I raised my arms, pretending to stretch, but in reality I was just trying to show off my knuckle tattoos to this joker - I have LOVE tattooed on my left knuckles and PEACE on my right knuckles (I have two pinkies on my right hand).
"Get the fuck out of my country," the Conservative grumbled at me. I saw him reach for his revolver and I knew I had to act fast. "Your kind is not welcome here," the Conservative continued. "You will just spread terrorism and take our jobs. Just last year, I lost my job as Director of IT to three undocumented Mexican laborers who were willing to work this job in tandem for 10 dollars a day."
I knew I had to think fast. As many of you know, I am a huge Amiibo collector, so I picked up my Chai Latte and chucked it at the Conservative's Ten Gallon Hat. It flew off and hit the ground. The Conservative was phased, and I grabbed him by his Noose of Capitalism (necktie) and dragged him over to a table, where I tied the Conservative down with his own lasso, removed the spurs from his cowboy boots (for my own safety) and began to lecture him on the errors of his ways.
"My friend," I stated. "Please do not fear the immigrants. They mean you no harm. Today was a lesson, that you should not judge a man by the region he comes from, or the color of his skin. Unfortunately, your skin is white, which is the absence of color, and I sentence you to die."
I picked up the Conservative's six-shooter and fired a bullet right in his smug industrialist face. Blood covered the entire Starbucks and I heard the dumb fucking barista whine about how she couldn't do her job now (oh yeah, like THIS was the reason you couldn't do your job for the last SIX MONTHS I've been coming to this fucking place).
I was about to leave Starbucks when I heard clapping from the corner of the room. An old man with a twinkle in his eye walked up to me, and I noticed it was none other than Democratic Socialist Bernie Sanders.
"Thank you, young American," Democratic Socialist Bernie Sanders said to me. "This man was my evil brother, Ronnie Sanders. Ronnie is an uncaring capitalist that was about to go to work and implement a rule where women are required to work extra hours while pregnant. I come here from the future, where I was going to kill my brother."
"You see," Democratic Socialist Bernie Sanders said to me, "when I become POTUS in 2016, my policies will lead to a increase in scientific funding that will lead to time travel. After the Great Awakening of 2040, towards the end of my 4th term, time travel is invented, but unfortunately Ronnie has went back in time to create policies that are both anti-family and pro-time paradox."
Democratic Socialist Bernie Sanders gave me a light pat on the rear. "As a reward for your good deed, I will give you $100 and let you select one toy from toy aisle at CVS." He kissed me on the cheek and, like that, he was gone.
What a morning!
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