Due to my busy, rock-n-roll lifestyle, I do not have time much to date, and when I do date women, I find that they are only using me for my money. I also hate introducing them to my son, not because it is hard to explain to my son but because he's so fucking boring and he just keeps talking on and on and on.
Anyway, last week my NA sponsor introduced me to a girl that I really hit it off with. Last night, she hit me up, asking if I was busy. I said I was free (I was supposed to go to my kid's school play but he can't fucking act anyway) and she suggested we meet up at a local Mexican place. I said sure, but my mom hadn't given me my allowance this week and the rest of my money was tied up in stocks. Thankfully, I had a few tricks up my sleeve!
We met up at the Mexican place and I immediately ordered two waters from the waitress. She brought over a basket of tortilla chips and asked us if we would like to start off with some appetizers. I said "i'll have some nachos," and she said "ok, I'll go get those for you" but then I stopped her and told her we already had them. She laughed nervously and left.
When the waitress was gone, I told my date to go wash her hands before she laid a finger on the food (I said I'm a germophobe). Now this is where I got creative!
As many of you know, I am a huge Amiibo collector, so I knew to come prepared to dinner. I reached into my trash bag and pulled out a block of cheese, which I grated over the tortilla chips. I then went back into the trash bag and removed my secret ingredient, a can of my son's Fancy Feast. I emptied the contents of the can onto the chips, mixed them all together, and poured on some salt for seasoning.
My next step was to swap out the menus that the restaurant had provided. The menus had a variety of traditional Mexican dishes (beef and cheese wrapped in tortillas is like 95% of it, real fucking original) but they are all very expensive. I replaced it with a menu I had brought from home with just one item on them.
When my date returned, she saw the nachos and exclaimed "wow, these nachos look great! they look like authentic nachos, straight from a traditional Mexican restaurante (that's Spanish for restaurant)!" I smiled and said "they sure do," as my date scooped up a big chunk of cat food.
The waitress returned and asked if we were ready to order. I said I was and my date said "I would like the BreadStick Sandwich, with Extra Mystery Meat." I ordered the same as well, told the waitress she wasn't getting back the menu, and then told my date that she had spilled nacho crap on her when she started wolfing down those chips that were for both of us to share.
However, there was no spill! I knew that it would just be a minute or two before the waitress realized there were no BreadStick Sandwiches, and I needed to act fast. I went into my trash can and removed two Olive Garden BreadSticks and two cans of Fancy Feast. I loaded up the BreadSticks and placed them in front of my date's seat and myself and waited for her to return.
The waitress came back confused, saying the menus did not seem correct, and I told her that she was probably just high and should not work in food service.
My date then returned. "Wowzers!" she exclaimed when she saw the sandwich. "This gourmet meal seems to be way above my expectations that I hold for this establishment!" She reached into her purse. "To thank you for this dating experience, I would like to present you with a $50 gift card to Best Buy."
I bowed to my date, told her there was a family emergency, left the restaurant, and went home to eat my real dinner (more breadsticks). What a night! How was your day, CE?
No comments:
Post a Comment