First time you ever felt discriminated against?

This actually happened to me about a week ago.

Normally I've never had a problem interacting with people, but about a week ago my race became a factor. 

I was going out to dinner with a date, and when the hostess first saw me, she gave me kind of a weird look. I figured this was due to my outfit (Kenshiro Fist of the North Star T-shirt and matching headband) but just shrugged it off and was seated.

Anyway, the waitress came over and, again, gave me a weird look. She said something under her breath and then asked for my order. I requested water and for some of the complimentary breadsticks (I asked for extra, as my date was very hungry). 

What she didn't know was that the date was actually a prostitute that I was paying to NOT eat the breadsticks. I made her carry a large purse (trashbag wrapped in fake pleather material) and she started loading in the breadsticks. 

As many of you know, I am a huge Amiibo collector, so after they were packed away, I exclaimed "those breadsticks are delicious, but they do noting to satiate my huuuuuuunger!"

At this point, a middle aged man with a large mustache approached my table and told me to leave. "I am the manager of this Olive Garden. We have seen you in this restaurant twice a week for the last month," he informed me. "I know you are using these breadsticks for sandwiches for the month, and while I admire your self-starting ability and industrious nature, we simply cannot afford to provide you with these nutrient and calorie packed appetizers." 

I knew I had to think fast because otherwise I would not have any sandwiches for January. "Sir," I said. "I cannot pay for these breadsticks, but I can PRAY for these breadsticks." We then joined hands and said the Lord's Prayer. At the end of the prayer, I stated "In Ronald Reagan's name we pray."

I saw a sparkle in the eye of the manager and he pulled off his mustache, revealing himself to be none other than Ted "Smile Through the Tears" Cruz.

"My boy," Ted "Smile Through the Tears" Cruz said, "Your adherence to traditional American values of taking what you want because it is convenient by invoking religion has inspired me to beat Donald Trump and receive the GOP nomination. When I am president, I will destroy ISIS and replace all colleges with Wal Marts. " Ted "Smile Through the Tears" Cruz winked at me. "But I will need a running mate, and I'd like you as my VP, where you can have all the breadsticks you need to make sandwiches for the month ahead."

I accepted, Ted "Smile Through the Tears" Cruz kissed me on the cheek, and like that, he was gone. It turns out he was not actually the manager of Olive Garden, however, and I had to pay for the meal, which was bullshit and complete discrimination since they are supposed to be complimentary.

I'm coming out to my parents as otherkin tonight.

All my life I've felt different than others. I've always had trouble fitting in and accepting my body and identity has always been an uphill battle for me.

However, recently I have become more honest about myself and my otherkin identity and have started to embrace it. As many of you know, I am a huge Amiibo collector, and I have long since realized my true self.

So, tonight I will approach my parents and tell them that I identify as Thomas the Tank Engine-kin. I have already begun preparations to make my life more in line with his. I will frequently put the shower on full heat and travel around in the steamy room, tooting and imagining myself riding the rails with my friends Gordon and Henry. I have also begun to focus on intensive butt exercises at the gym, 5 or 6 days a week, in order to cultivate a large caboose. I am becoming well versed on topics like friendship, determination, and global warming (as I will be expected to burn large amounts of coal in my new identity).

I hope my parents can accept me for who I am, and that CE can as well!

Wow, I hate talking to console gamers.

Last weekend I had to attend my son's wake. It turns out that he is even more boring in death than he was in life, so I had to sit there playing or my phone while a few of his dumb little classmates filtered in and out to tell me how sorry they were for my loss.

I was just hanging out in the back of the funeral home, eating an Olive Garden breadsticks sandwich I had brought from home and getting Hard (I had brought a Mike's Hard from home as well) when I noticed my cousin, Ross, walk into the funeral parlor. 

I rolled my eyes. Ross is even MORE annoying than my (dead) son. He does not care about the code of bushido, reads inferior western novels with no pictures, and, worst of all, is an ardent console gamer. I knew that the second Ross saw me, he would want to start a debate about console gaming.

I noticed Ross walking up to me and greeted him. As many of you know, I am a huge Amiibo collector, so I tried to at least be cordial with him. "Sorry for your loss, boss," said Ross, looking cross. "By the way, did you get a chance to play the new Tomb Raider on Xbox One?"

I rolled my eyes. The console debate was beginning. "The game is hot," Ross stated, "and coincidentally, the Earth has not been getting much hotter. There simply is not enough Carbon being pumped into the atmosphere to create any sort of tangible climate change, and the records we have of climate change long-term are inconclusive and inaccurate at best. Global Warming is a myth."

I sighed. This was the same tired debate console gamers had been spouting for years, and I did not want to entertain it. "The new Tomb Raider does look pretty cool," I admitted, "but I believe that we can already see the effects of climate change in our world today, and records such as ice cores can provide good evidence of climate change. It is a universally agreed concept that the climate is changing in some way and it is an issue to consider."

Ross appeared visibly upset. I could tell that poking holes in his precious console gaming argument was pissing him off. However, it was when Ross reached into his the pockets of his JNCO jeans that I knew something was wrong. 

"He's got a bomb!" I yelled, as I saw Ross pull a detonator out. All of a sudden, a single gunshot rang out and Ross collapsed to the ground. Standing in the back of the funeral home was Democratic Icon Bernie Sanders, revolver in hand.

"I knew that climate change would cause this act of terrorism," said Democratic Icon Bernie Sanders. "I just want this world to be safe for my great, great, grandchildren once my brittle old bones are buried deep within the earth, and Gaia reclaims my spirit."

I dragged Ross' corpse into my son's casket and closed the lid, hoping the funeral director would give me a bulk funeral discount. Democratic Icon Bernie Sanders came over and shook my hand. "My boy, this certificate I hold is good for 10% off any appetizer at Longhorn Steakhouse. I was going to use it to celebrate my upcoming 200th birthday, but instead I would like you to use it to buy yourself a fine order of Texas Cheese Fries."

"Likewise," Democratic Icon Bernie Sanders continued, "I would like you to become my new son. As soon as you convert to Judaism, I will call you Toby Shinobi-Sanders and we will have a catch."

Democratic Icon Bernie Sanders then kissed me on the cheek, and like that, he was gone. I put in my earbuds and rode out the rest of the stupid wake. Overall, it was a good day!

Wow, I was stopped by the police this morning.

My mind is still reeling. This morning, I was driving my son to the hospital (went into diabetic shock) and I was racing really hard to get to Taco Bell before they stopped serving breakfast (I was really fucking hungry and can't fill out those boring hospital forms on an empty stomach). 

As I was speeding up to approach my favorite restaurant, I noticed police lights go on behind me. I quickly slipped my Tanto underneath the front seat and waited for the cop to come up to me.

The officer came up to my window and knocked on the glass. He asked if I could roll it down, and I rolled it down a tiny crack. He asked if I could roll it down further and I said "EEEE-YEEEH" (this is "no" in my traditional Japanese tongue for you gaijin). The cop looked confused and asked for my license and registration.

Now, as many of you know, I am a huge Amiibo collector, so suffice to say, I knew my rights. Through the crack in the window, I passed the cop a copy of the Bill of Rights and Ron Paul's book, The Revolution: A Manifesto. 


After the cop read a few chapters of Ron Paul's book, he handed me back my sacred documents and was about to leave, when he heard a banging from the trunk. "Shit," I thought to myself, as I realized I had forgotten to bound my son's hands in the trunk. 

The cop asked me to pop the trunk, and fearing his police brutality (I could tell this cop would kill indiscriminately if given the chance) I opened it. He was immediately taken aback by the sight of my unconscious son twitching in the trunk.

I tried to explain that it was simply due to me not wanting my son to vomit on the seats and ruin the cloth interior, but the cop did not listen and pulled out his People Killer (gun). He pointed it at me and told me I was under arrest.

This was when something amazing happened. My son awoke from his diabetic coma for a moment and said "Officer, please do not physically assault my father and then become suspended with pay for two weeks. Touch not his jaw with your gun's butt, but rather touch his heart with your words and faith." At this moment, my son went into his pocket and produced a small crucifix, which he handed to the officer.

However, this was no ordinary crucifix. The Jesus on the cross was black, and on the back of the crucifix was inscribed "#AllLivesMatter". The officer couldn't believe his eyes. "But... how... is this... possible?" he said, looking at the profound statement before him. His flesh melted off his bones like in Indiana Jones 1 and he collapsed to the ground. 

In his last dying breath, my son gasped "#CopLivesMatter" and drifted off into the Shadow Realm. I closed his eyes, closed the trunk, and drove home. I had already missed Taco Bell breakfast at this point.

Anyway, how was your morning CE?

Not to brag, but I was just pre-approved for a Gamestop credit card.

Just got an email this morning and I can't contain my excitement. I've always dreamed about something like this happening, and now today my dreams have become a reality.

I had to step away from my desk for a minute. Lightheaded, I stumbled into the bathroom and threw up. Me, a Gamestop credit card holder? And they approved ME? 

I imagined the CEO of Gamestop saying "Wow, GB is a great gamer and an even greater friend. He deserves an easy way to get the games he needs, especially since he is at a point in his life where a $60 video game is something that he needs to break up into 6 separate payments."

You want to know the best part? 26.99% interest rate. You'd have to be stupid NOT to get this card. I'm basically getting paid to play video games now!

Sorry for ranting, I just wanted to show my excitement.

Wow, my son came out to me last night

My buddies and I were hanging out at my place last night, watching Wednesday Night Football (we tape Monday night football so we can all watch it together on Wednesday). My son was also there (ugh) because I guess his mom couldn't watch him that night. Whatever. I was still gong to watch the game.

Jorge came over with a case of Mike's Hard (sweet!) and we got to business. By the end of the first quarter, I had pounded like 4 or 5 Mikes Hards. The game was really good too. Just so many moments that football fans like us thrive on. As many of you know, I am a huge Amiibo collector, so my friends and I were going absolutely NUTS at some of the plays being done. 

We were all pretty tipsy at this point, and I eventually got the good idea to get my son to fetch us Mike's Hards while we watched the game (fast forwarding through the commercials, of course). When the third quarter started, Jorge turned to me and said, "Esse, this is great. These big, burly men are putting on quite a show and I am having a good time." I agreed. "This game is awesome," I said. "And things couldn't be better. I've got my friends at my side, and my son is getting me Hard every few minutes."

I then turned to my son, who had just fetched me another Mike's Hard, and I told him I had enough to drink (I'd had like 6 or 7 Mike's Hards at this point and I had my first day at my new job as a night security guard in an hour) and asked if he would like to sit down and watch the rest of the game with us. 

My son sheepishly looked at the floor and said. "Dad... I don't really like football." The room was silent. I knew what this meant and I immediately embraced my son. "Son," I said, "I will love you no matter what, regardless of your sexuality. You are my child, and I don't care if you are straight, gay, bisexual, or even a Chinese. In my eyes you wil always just be my son."

My son started crying like a little bitch and I embraced him again. "I knew you'd understand," he said to me, in between muffled sobs.

From the couch I heard Jorge speak up. "Toby," he said, "I have a confession to make as well. I do not like football either. I greatly prefer European Football, where a bunch of wimps run around kicking a soft, friendly ball into a net, stopping only to have orange slices and reapply hair products. I only came over here because I love getting Hard with you."

I was immediately filled with a rage. "Get the fuck out of my house, you animal!" I screamed at Jorge. "I understand," Jorge said. He gave my son and I a kiss on the cheek and then climbed into his Yaris. Jorge tried to drive off, but unbeknown to him, I had slashed his tires hours earlier, and the sparks from driving on his wheels caused the entire car to ignite into flames. 

Overall, though, it was a great night, and I am so proud of my son for being honest with me. How are you all doing?

Wow, my date last night went so well!

Due to my busy, rock-n-roll lifestyle, I do not have time much to date, and when I do date women, I find that they are only using me for my money. I also hate introducing them to my son, not because it is hard to explain to my son but because he's so fucking boring and he just keeps talking on and on and on.

Anyway, last week my NA sponsor introduced me to a girl that I really hit it off with. Last night, she hit me up, asking if I was busy. I said I was free (I was supposed to go to my kid's school play but he can't fucking act anyway) and she suggested we meet up at a local Mexican place. I said sure, but my mom hadn't given me my allowance this week and the rest of my money was tied up in stocks. Thankfully, I had a few tricks up my sleeve!

We met up at the Mexican place and I immediately ordered two waters from the waitress. She brought over a basket of tortilla chips and asked us if we would like to start off with some appetizers. I said "i'll have some nachos," and she said "ok, I'll go get those for you" but then I stopped her and told her we already had them. She laughed nervously and left. 

When the waitress was gone, I told my date to go wash her hands before she laid a finger on the food (I said I'm a germophobe). Now this is where I got creative!

As many of you know, I am a huge Amiibo collector, so I knew to come prepared to dinner. I reached into my trash bag and pulled out a block of cheese, which I grated over the tortilla chips. I then went back into the trash bag and removed my secret ingredient, a can of my son's Fancy Feast. I emptied the contents of the can onto the chips, mixed them all together, and poured on some salt for seasoning.

My next step was to swap out the menus that the restaurant had provided. The menus had a variety of traditional Mexican dishes (beef and cheese wrapped in tortillas is like 95% of it, real fucking original) but they are all very expensive. I replaced it with a menu I had brought from home with just one item on them.

When my date returned, she saw the nachos and exclaimed "wow, these nachos look great! they look like authentic nachos, straight from a traditional Mexican restaurante (that's Spanish for restaurant)!" I smiled and said "they sure do," as my date scooped up a big chunk of cat food.

The waitress returned and asked if we were ready to order. I said I was and my date said "I would like the BreadStick Sandwich, with Extra Mystery Meat." I ordered the same as well, told the waitress she wasn't getting back the menu, and then told my date that she had spilled nacho crap on her when she started wolfing down those chips that were for both of us to share. 

However, there was no spill! I knew that it would just be a minute or two before the waitress realized there were no BreadStick Sandwiches, and I needed to act fast. I went into my trash can and removed two Olive Garden BreadSticks and two cans of Fancy Feast. I loaded up the BreadSticks and placed them in front of my date's seat and myself and waited for her to return.

The waitress came back confused, saying the menus did not seem correct, and I told her that she was probably just high and should not work in food service.

My date then returned. "Wowzers!" she exclaimed when she saw the sandwich. "This gourmet meal seems to be way above my expectations that I hold for this establishment!" She reached into her purse. "To thank you for this dating experience, I would like to present you with a $50 gift card to Best Buy." 

I bowed to my date, told her there was a family emergency, left the restaurant, and went home to eat my real dinner (more breadsticks). What a night! How was your day, CE?