Wow, I ran into my old high school bully today

This morning, I was on the train with my mom to go into the city. My mom promised me if I went to the city to help her carry her bags she'd take me to Red Mango, and while I do not care for frozen yogurt, I figured I would just fill up a cup with the cookie dough bites and bleed that bitch dry. 

Anyway, as I was sitting on the train and leafing through the pages of my manga, I noticed a familiar face, wearing a suit, walk by and sit down a few rows behind me. My mom caught my gaze and asked me who that was. 

I explained that his name was Frank Chang and he was my Chinese bully in high school. He would give me swirlies whenever I was in the bathroom stalls (frequently laughing at how I had to pull my pants all the way down to pee), flushies when I was at the urinal (basically flushing the urinal while I was in mid stream, causing water to rush in and splash all over my pants), and slushies when I wasn't even in the bathroom (basically saving toilet water in a mason jar to splash all over me whenever he noticed I got an involuntary boner in gym class).

My mom said that I should go talk to him. I said "bitch, are you trippin?" but she explained that perhaps things had changed in the 15 years since 10th grade and that he seemed like a fully functional adult.

After a while of arguing (and after my mom confiscated my manga), I got up, wiped my sweaty hands on my kimono, and moved to the back of the train car.

"Hi Frank," I said nervous. Frank scrunched up his face, said hello, and gave me that "do I know you" look. "It's me, Toby, from high school," I said. "Oh, hey Toby," Frank responded. "How are you? How has your year been?"

I told him everything was going pretty well. I had been writing a lot of fanfiction, I have been trying to eat better, my son died, and I recently purchased a PS4.

Frank told me things were going well for him too. He had recently gotten married and his wife was pregnant with their first child. He mentioned that they had moved to a nice house in the suburbs, where he commutes to his job at an investment bank in the city, and were enjoying a normal, quiet life.

As many of you know, I am a huge amiibo collector, and I knew what he was trying to do and I wouldn't let Frank bully me again like he did 15 years ago. I reached under my kimono to pull out my tanto when I felt a hand on my shoulder.

"Please, do not spill blood on this train," the voice said. "Allow me to act instead; I'm FINNa take down some bullies." I then saw a fist slam into Frank's face, and Frank slumped forward, his head crashing into the seat in front of him. His body twitched a little and then didn't move.

I turned around to thank my new friend and found out it was none other than actor John "Star War" Boyega! 

Before I could open my mouth to thank him, John "Star War" Boyega said "there is nuFINN I hate more than bullies. As a young actor in my prime, I take great pleasure in policing the trains of the Northeast with my fist. Seeing you stand up to this cruel man has inspired me to take action in my own life. I am going to quit acting to realize my true passion: working part time at Home Depot while attending community college night courses so I can eventually become a medical assistant."

John "Star War" Boyega bowed to me, gave me a kiss on a cheek, and handed me an envelope. "In this envelope is a $25 Gift Card to Best Buy," he stated. "Use it wisely."

Like that, he was gone, and I went back to my seat. I reached into my satchel and pulled out a breadsticks sandwich. Taking a bite, I thought to myself "what a nice man." The train pulled up to our stop and as I was getting off, I threw the gift card into the trash. Best Buy is for plebes anyway.

my dumbass mom forgot to tuck me in last night and now my whole day feels off

i'm so fucking pissed right now. last night my mom went to bed without tucking me in. i laid in bed all night like a fucking idiot, waiting for my mom to come in and tuck me. i didnt even drink the warm milk (normally i save that for after she tucks me in).

I woke up and my neck was stiff, covers were all over the place, and obv i had wet the bed again. as many of you know, i am a huge amiibo collector, and when i confronted my mom she just said that she was sorry and that she was exhausted from work. 

i told her that was no excuse, we all got jobs. i drove to work and the whole day i've just been feeling like crap. i can't focus on anything. when i went to pee i missed the urinal (left curve), i spilled coffee all over my desk, RUINING my DoA Hitomi mousepad, etc. 

i'm so mad that i could kiss a man, hard, on the lips. i just want this fucking day to end, CE. how are you guys?

touched a girl's hand on the train today, it was dope

i was on the train this morning, commuting to my job in the city when a 919 hottie came up to me. we were both holding onto the pole. 

i had been eating a jimmy dean's egg sandwich and i had forgotten a napkin so i was getting my grease all over the pole. the girl's hand touched my jimmy deans snail trail and she moved her hand up the pole to avoid it.

little did she know my hand was waiting there like a coiled cobra ready to strike (i wasnt going to strike this girl, its an expression). she brushed my hand on the way to grabbing the pole again. she said out loud "ugh, this pole is disgusting" and I got nervous and said "have a good day" and got off at the wrong stop. 

still it was pretty dope though. going to try and brush up against her next time if shes on the train. got to bring napkins too because i had to lick my fingers and they tasted metallic

Thinking about having kids so nobody calls me a virgin anymore

since I am a foreveralone I was thinking of adopting a kid, so I can say I plowed his mom and she died or something. 

i do not know much about kids but I was thinking I'd adopt one a little older so that way he is indoor trained and stuff. Then I just need to buy some clothes and send him to school and stuff. that isn't bad because I drive by the local elementary school on my way to work so it seems pretty easy.

i am tired of being bullied at work for being a virgin. whenever i go into the break room everyone will yell "sound the virgin alarm!" and start making ambulance noises while I prepare my bowl of honey nut cheerios. it is embarrassing and i just want to eat my dereal (desk-cereal) in peace. i am tired of my coworkers leaving condoms on my desk and then when i sit down they all come and take them away because they say i will never need these.

am i ready to become a father? please advise.

First time you ever felt discriminated against?

This actually happened to me about a week ago.

Normally I've never had a problem interacting with people, but about a week ago my race became a factor. 

I was going out to dinner with a date, and when the hostess first saw me, she gave me kind of a weird look. I figured this was due to my outfit (Kenshiro Fist of the North Star T-shirt and matching headband) but just shrugged it off and was seated.

Anyway, the waitress came over and, again, gave me a weird look. She said something under her breath and then asked for my order. I requested water and for some of the complimentary breadsticks (I asked for extra, as my date was very hungry). 

What she didn't know was that the date was actually a prostitute that I was paying to NOT eat the breadsticks. I made her carry a large purse (trashbag wrapped in fake pleather material) and she started loading in the breadsticks. 

As many of you know, I am a huge Amiibo collector, so after they were packed away, I exclaimed "those breadsticks are delicious, but they do noting to satiate my huuuuuuunger!"

At this point, a middle aged man with a large mustache approached my table and told me to leave. "I am the manager of this Olive Garden. We have seen you in this restaurant twice a week for the last month," he informed me. "I know you are using these breadsticks for sandwiches for the month, and while I admire your self-starting ability and industrious nature, we simply cannot afford to provide you with these nutrient and calorie packed appetizers." 

I knew I had to think fast because otherwise I would not have any sandwiches for January. "Sir," I said. "I cannot pay for these breadsticks, but I can PRAY for these breadsticks." We then joined hands and said the Lord's Prayer. At the end of the prayer, I stated "In Ronald Reagan's name we pray."

I saw a sparkle in the eye of the manager and he pulled off his mustache, revealing himself to be none other than Ted "Smile Through the Tears" Cruz.

"My boy," Ted "Smile Through the Tears" Cruz said, "Your adherence to traditional American values of taking what you want because it is convenient by invoking religion has inspired me to beat Donald Trump and receive the GOP nomination. When I am president, I will destroy ISIS and replace all colleges with Wal Marts. " Ted "Smile Through the Tears" Cruz winked at me. "But I will need a running mate, and I'd like you as my VP, where you can have all the breadsticks you need to make sandwiches for the month ahead."

I accepted, Ted "Smile Through the Tears" Cruz kissed me on the cheek, and like that, he was gone. It turns out he was not actually the manager of Olive Garden, however, and I had to pay for the meal, which was bullshit and complete discrimination since they are supposed to be complimentary.

I'm coming out to my parents as otherkin tonight.

All my life I've felt different than others. I've always had trouble fitting in and accepting my body and identity has always been an uphill battle for me.

However, recently I have become more honest about myself and my otherkin identity and have started to embrace it. As many of you know, I am a huge Amiibo collector, and I have long since realized my true self.

So, tonight I will approach my parents and tell them that I identify as Thomas the Tank Engine-kin. I have already begun preparations to make my life more in line with his. I will frequently put the shower on full heat and travel around in the steamy room, tooting and imagining myself riding the rails with my friends Gordon and Henry. I have also begun to focus on intensive butt exercises at the gym, 5 or 6 days a week, in order to cultivate a large caboose. I am becoming well versed on topics like friendship, determination, and global warming (as I will be expected to burn large amounts of coal in my new identity).

I hope my parents can accept me for who I am, and that CE can as well!

Wow, I hate talking to console gamers.

Last weekend I had to attend my son's wake. It turns out that he is even more boring in death than he was in life, so I had to sit there playing or my phone while a few of his dumb little classmates filtered in and out to tell me how sorry they were for my loss.

I was just hanging out in the back of the funeral home, eating an Olive Garden breadsticks sandwich I had brought from home and getting Hard (I had brought a Mike's Hard from home as well) when I noticed my cousin, Ross, walk into the funeral parlor. 

I rolled my eyes. Ross is even MORE annoying than my (dead) son. He does not care about the code of bushido, reads inferior western novels with no pictures, and, worst of all, is an ardent console gamer. I knew that the second Ross saw me, he would want to start a debate about console gaming.

I noticed Ross walking up to me and greeted him. As many of you know, I am a huge Amiibo collector, so I tried to at least be cordial with him. "Sorry for your loss, boss," said Ross, looking cross. "By the way, did you get a chance to play the new Tomb Raider on Xbox One?"

I rolled my eyes. The console debate was beginning. "The game is hot," Ross stated, "and coincidentally, the Earth has not been getting much hotter. There simply is not enough Carbon being pumped into the atmosphere to create any sort of tangible climate change, and the records we have of climate change long-term are inconclusive and inaccurate at best. Global Warming is a myth."

I sighed. This was the same tired debate console gamers had been spouting for years, and I did not want to entertain it. "The new Tomb Raider does look pretty cool," I admitted, "but I believe that we can already see the effects of climate change in our world today, and records such as ice cores can provide good evidence of climate change. It is a universally agreed concept that the climate is changing in some way and it is an issue to consider."

Ross appeared visibly upset. I could tell that poking holes in his precious console gaming argument was pissing him off. However, it was when Ross reached into his the pockets of his JNCO jeans that I knew something was wrong. 

"He's got a bomb!" I yelled, as I saw Ross pull a detonator out. All of a sudden, a single gunshot rang out and Ross collapsed to the ground. Standing in the back of the funeral home was Democratic Icon Bernie Sanders, revolver in hand.

"I knew that climate change would cause this act of terrorism," said Democratic Icon Bernie Sanders. "I just want this world to be safe for my great, great, grandchildren once my brittle old bones are buried deep within the earth, and Gaia reclaims my spirit."

I dragged Ross' corpse into my son's casket and closed the lid, hoping the funeral director would give me a bulk funeral discount. Democratic Icon Bernie Sanders came over and shook my hand. "My boy, this certificate I hold is good for 10% off any appetizer at Longhorn Steakhouse. I was going to use it to celebrate my upcoming 200th birthday, but instead I would like you to use it to buy yourself a fine order of Texas Cheese Fries."

"Likewise," Democratic Icon Bernie Sanders continued, "I would like you to become my new son. As soon as you convert to Judaism, I will call you Toby Shinobi-Sanders and we will have a catch."

Democratic Icon Bernie Sanders then kissed me on the cheek, and like that, he was gone. I put in my earbuds and rode out the rest of the stupid wake. Overall, it was a good day!