i was in a dumpster last night

last night i drove home from work and as i was leaving the car, i decided to clean out the receipts for gas/coffee/food that have accumulated in my car. 

so i grab them, shove the receipts in my pocket (hands were full with other stuff), and i stop to throw all the receipts into the MGSV Receptacle (dumpster) before going inside my apartment building.

inside i empty my pockets - phone, wallet, but where is my work ID (needed to get into the building)? i realize immediately that it was in the pocket with the receipts and i sprint outside to go get it.

I look in the dumpster and sure enough there is my ID card sitting on the trash. I try to reach it but I can't because it's too far in. I figure my roommate can help me reach it, so i call him but he says he won't be home until late that night.

God damn it. So I figure fuck it, looks like I'm going into the dumpster. Im in my work clothes but i dont want to go change to dumpster diving clothes because i need to get this out before people throw in more trash. 

I stand on a box to try and get some leverage and put myeslf over the side. my foot goes through the box and trash and half eaten food covered in bugs spills everywhere. 

So I then try to put my legs against the fence on the side of the dumpster and prop myself up, and then I jump into the dumpster. 

I am like shin deep in trash now and i grab my ID card. the smell is horrendous. now i just need to get out. The dumpster is pretty high up and the front is curved so I try and lower myself out. i realize its not going to happen because the dumpster is fenced in, so i basically just try to take a running start and end up jumping right into the fence in front of me. 

i then went inside and had a beer and the beer was pretty shitty.

tl;dr - i hung out in a dumpster like frank and charlie

My dentist called me the n-word this afternoon, not sure how to react

My wisdom teeth are coming in so I took a half day to go to the dentist and get a check up.

Everything was going well and he said it didn't seem like the teeth needed to come out at the moment. When he finished examining my teeth, turned off his tools, etc, he said to me "alright my [n-word], you're good to go." 

He immediately realized what he said and kept apologizing profusely, saying he was sorry, he does not normally speak like this, etc

We are both white so I am not sure how to react to this. I have been feeling empty inside all day. Should I report him to the BBB?

Do you watch porn with your dad?

Last night I visited my parents and my dad and I watched a few movies (Wet Hot Asses 14 and Terminator Genisys). My dad and I have been enjoying adult films for a while now and it's always fun to watch a new one when we are hanging out. 

I was telling my friends a funny story about a comment my dad made while watching Wet Hot Asses 14 and they got weird on me, saying that watching porn with your dad isn't normal.

It's not like my dad and I are jerking each other off or anything gross like that. We just like to get together and watch a few hardcore pornography films. IMO it's no different than going to a strip club.

Do you watch porn with your dad? Do you think it's weird?

Wow, I ran into my old high school bully today

This morning, I was on the train with my mom to go into the city. My mom promised me if I went to the city to help her carry her bags she'd take me to Red Mango, and while I do not care for frozen yogurt, I figured I would just fill up a cup with the cookie dough bites and bleed that bitch dry. 

Anyway, as I was sitting on the train and leafing through the pages of my manga, I noticed a familiar face, wearing a suit, walk by and sit down a few rows behind me. My mom caught my gaze and asked me who that was. 

I explained that his name was Frank Chang and he was my Chinese bully in high school. He would give me swirlies whenever I was in the bathroom stalls (frequently laughing at how I had to pull my pants all the way down to pee), flushies when I was at the urinal (basically flushing the urinal while I was in mid stream, causing water to rush in and splash all over my pants), and slushies when I wasn't even in the bathroom (basically saving toilet water in a mason jar to splash all over me whenever he noticed I got an involuntary boner in gym class).

My mom said that I should go talk to him. I said "bitch, are you trippin?" but she explained that perhaps things had changed in the 15 years since 10th grade and that he seemed like a fully functional adult.

After a while of arguing (and after my mom confiscated my manga), I got up, wiped my sweaty hands on my kimono, and moved to the back of the train car.

"Hi Frank," I said nervous. Frank scrunched up his face, said hello, and gave me that "do I know you" look. "It's me, Toby, from high school," I said. "Oh, hey Toby," Frank responded. "How are you? How has your year been?"

I told him everything was going pretty well. I had been writing a lot of fanfiction, I have been trying to eat better, my son died, and I recently purchased a PS4.

Frank told me things were going well for him too. He had recently gotten married and his wife was pregnant with their first child. He mentioned that they had moved to a nice house in the suburbs, where he commutes to his job at an investment bank in the city, and were enjoying a normal, quiet life.

As many of you know, I am a huge amiibo collector, and I knew what he was trying to do and I wouldn't let Frank bully me again like he did 15 years ago. I reached under my kimono to pull out my tanto when I felt a hand on my shoulder.

"Please, do not spill blood on this train," the voice said. "Allow me to act instead; I'm FINNa take down some bullies." I then saw a fist slam into Frank's face, and Frank slumped forward, his head crashing into the seat in front of him. His body twitched a little and then didn't move.

I turned around to thank my new friend and found out it was none other than actor John "Star War" Boyega! 

Before I could open my mouth to thank him, John "Star War" Boyega said "there is nuFINN I hate more than bullies. As a young actor in my prime, I take great pleasure in policing the trains of the Northeast with my fist. Seeing you stand up to this cruel man has inspired me to take action in my own life. I am going to quit acting to realize my true passion: working part time at Home Depot while attending community college night courses so I can eventually become a medical assistant."

John "Star War" Boyega bowed to me, gave me a kiss on a cheek, and handed me an envelope. "In this envelope is a $25 Gift Card to Best Buy," he stated. "Use it wisely."

Like that, he was gone, and I went back to my seat. I reached into my satchel and pulled out a breadsticks sandwich. Taking a bite, I thought to myself "what a nice man." The train pulled up to our stop and as I was getting off, I threw the gift card into the trash. Best Buy is for plebes anyway.

my dumbass mom forgot to tuck me in last night and now my whole day feels off

i'm so fucking pissed right now. last night my mom went to bed without tucking me in. i laid in bed all night like a fucking idiot, waiting for my mom to come in and tuck me. i didnt even drink the warm milk (normally i save that for after she tucks me in).

I woke up and my neck was stiff, covers were all over the place, and obv i had wet the bed again. as many of you know, i am a huge amiibo collector, and when i confronted my mom she just said that she was sorry and that she was exhausted from work. 

i told her that was no excuse, we all got jobs. i drove to work and the whole day i've just been feeling like crap. i can't focus on anything. when i went to pee i missed the urinal (left curve), i spilled coffee all over my desk, RUINING my DoA Hitomi mousepad, etc. 

i'm so mad that i could kiss a man, hard, on the lips. i just want this fucking day to end, CE. how are you guys?

touched a girl's hand on the train today, it was dope

i was on the train this morning, commuting to my job in the city when a 919 hottie came up to me. we were both holding onto the pole. 

i had been eating a jimmy dean's egg sandwich and i had forgotten a napkin so i was getting my grease all over the pole. the girl's hand touched my jimmy deans snail trail and she moved her hand up the pole to avoid it.

little did she know my hand was waiting there like a coiled cobra ready to strike (i wasnt going to strike this girl, its an expression). she brushed my hand on the way to grabbing the pole again. she said out loud "ugh, this pole is disgusting" and I got nervous and said "have a good day" and got off at the wrong stop. 

still it was pretty dope though. going to try and brush up against her next time if shes on the train. got to bring napkins too because i had to lick my fingers and they tasted metallic

Thinking about having kids so nobody calls me a virgin anymore

since I am a foreveralone I was thinking of adopting a kid, so I can say I plowed his mom and she died or something. 

i do not know much about kids but I was thinking I'd adopt one a little older so that way he is indoor trained and stuff. Then I just need to buy some clothes and send him to school and stuff. that isn't bad because I drive by the local elementary school on my way to work so it seems pretty easy.

i am tired of being bullied at work for being a virgin. whenever i go into the break room everyone will yell "sound the virgin alarm!" and start making ambulance noises while I prepare my bowl of honey nut cheerios. it is embarrassing and i just want to eat my dereal (desk-cereal) in peace. i am tired of my coworkers leaving condoms on my desk and then when i sit down they all come and take them away because they say i will never need these.

am i ready to become a father? please advise.