I was 24 years old. I was at Olive Garden (my favorite restaurant), when a man I now know as a black man approached me.
"Hi," he said. "My name is Mike. I'll be your server for this evening. Can I start you off with breadsticks?"
I looked at the man, confused. I saw clothes and glasses on a man, but for some reason he appeared dark. I figured it was just the lighting in the room, so I took out my phone and shined the flashlight on him. To my bewilderment, he stayed dark and did not get lighter.
I figured that the man just needed more light, and pulled out my second phone (reserved for calling my high school ex girlfriend to leave her seductive voicemails late in the night) to shine a second light. Nothing. Still dark.
"Excuse me, sir," the waiter replied. "Can you please stop shining these bright lights into my eyes? I am very sensitive to light and I just want to take your order."
I apologized. "I'm sorry, my friend," I said. "I have just never seen a dark, chocolate-y gentleman such as yourself, and I wanted to confirm that I was not just living in a world of darkness, and that it was your skin."
The waiter nodded, understanding. I told him to bring me breadsticks, on the double, and if I saw him stop at another table on his way to the kitchen, I was going to fucking lose it. As he went to fetch me my breadsticks, I reflected on what I had witnessed. "A black person! Wow, what a concept," I thought to myself.
The waiter arrived with the breadsticks. I dumped them into my trashbag and immediately asked for more, saying "yum yum in my tum tum, I just ate all those nummy breadsticks, load me up buddy." He brought back more, I loaded up my trash bag, and then I decided it was time to go.
I asked for the check. "All you've had is water and free breadsticks," the waiter said, confused and a little annoyed. "So I don't think you have anything to pay us."
"Thanks a lot," I added. "Looks like I don't owe anything, so I'll give you a 15% tip of $0, which is nothing. Sorry, Mike."
I grabbed my trashbag and got up to leave. Before I was out the door, I turned to the waiter.
"But it's not because you're black."
I remember when I first introduced drunkmuggle to my grandfather.
"Careful," I said quietly to muggle. "My grandfather is very old. Please honor him, and be gentle with this old fella's brittle bones."
Drunkmuggle approached my grandfather and extended his hand. "How do you do, old eye-talian," he said to my grandfather (who we call Peep Pop). I held my breath, hoping that introducing my Peep Pop to drunkmuggle would not be a mistake. Peep Pop extended his bony, quivering hand to meet drunkmuggle's, but all of a sudden I noticed a mischievous look in drunkmuggle's eyes.
"Don't do it, Peep Pop!" I howled, but it was too late. Drunkmuggle grabbed his hand and crushed it, breaking every one of Peep Pop's decrepit fingers. "Ya snooze ya lose, old man!" Drunkmuggle exclaimed, giddy with power.
He ran over to my Peep Pop's bookcase, where he began wildly looking through his books. He eventually found my Peep Pop's baseball card collection in its trading card book and took it off the shelf.
"Let's see," drunkmuggle mused, as he flipped through the pages. He stopped when he saw Peep Pop's prized possession, a rare Hank Aaron baseball card. "Who is this dusty old geezer?" drunkmuggle said, as he tore the card in half.
At this point, I was paralyzed with fear and disbelief, and my Peep Pop was in the deepest pain I had ever seen. He began to smash his left hand to match his broken right hand, and was screaming out "Hank, my boy," in memorial of his ruined card.
"Muggle, that's enough," I said, fighting back tears. "This dirty old man has learned his lesson to exist in the same room as you. Please spare him." Drunkmuggle looked back at me with a delirious smile.
"I'm not done yet."
He ran over to my grandfather's candy dish and pulled out all the Werther's Originals and cough drops and other things that old people consider candy and shoved them in Peep Pop's mouth. He then grabbed my Peep Pop's Congressional Medal of Freedom (which was awarded to him for killing the most civilians in the Vietnam War) and beamed it at Peep Pop's head, sending my Peep Pop to the Shadow Realm.
Drunkmuggle then left, making me have to take care of my own Peep Pop's funeral pyre and forge my name into his will all by myself.
tl;dr - drunkmuggle does not resepct elders
Scenario:
It is 2017. President Hillary Rodham Clinton, in her first act in office, has instituted a law enacting a nation-wide ban on White Men, in order to reclaim more land for the PoC and Non-Cis Americans. White Men, displaced from their homes, have turned towards the underground, where they now live in a vast system of subterranean tunnels, forced to siphon power from the various HRC Pleasure Domes enacted over every major city in the US.
For sustenance, the White Men survive off of algae and rats that are native to their new sewer home. For other supplies, the White Men must make monthly trips to the surface, where they routinely will perform high-risk raids on the various HRC Storehouses. These trips are very dangerous, and getting caught can have dire consequences for the White Men; captured White Men are sent over to Overlord Dunham for processing, followed by a swift execution performed by President Hillary Rodham Clinton herself.
You are a White Man on one of these surface raids. Your goal is to scout out the location of a Storehouse in the Atlanta area, as records (provided by Alt-Right Resistance Force) indicate that the Atlanta HRC Storehouse contains a cure for a certain strain of mold growing in the subterranean tunnels.
However, while on the bus traveling to Atlanta, you notice a young, visibly pregnant Muslim Womyn getting onto the bus. You also notice that her dress contains the insignia of ISIS - after President Hillary Rodham Clinton's inauguration, Clinton revealed herself as an agent of ISIS, allowing in all 650 million ISIS refugees (as fortold by the Prophet Trump).
The other seats on the bus are taken, and you can tell this young woman is visibly uncomfortable. Would you give up your seat for this pregnant womyn, even though she has aligned herself with one of the deadliest terrorist groups in the world?
Manspreading has been outlawed by President Hillary Rodham Clinton within her first week in office. All newly born White Men, before being cast down into the tunnel system they now call home, have their hip joints surgically altered in order to allow White Men to only open their legs to about a 45 degree angle.
This operation greatly reduces the mobility of White Men, leading many White Men to forgo a risky operation once they reach the underground: have their legs removed altogether and replaced with enhanced prosthesis legs that enable them to run and jump at 5x the normal rate of an unaltered White Man. This ability is one that will greatly come in handy during raids on the HRC Storehouses.
I have a custom script running on my PC that I commissioned a computer science student back in college to write, where it constantly refreshes GameFAQs to check the status of drunkmuggle's account. If the script detects the status has changed to "Warned" or "Suspended", it will send a text alert / email (in case I don't have my phone) and I can immediately react.
This evening was an evening like any other. I was hanging out at my crib (street vernacular for "house") with some of my friends and we were watching Wednesday Night Football (we tape Monday Night Football and watch it on Wednesday) and drinking Mike's Hard Lemonade.
Let me tell you boys, we were are completely Hard (slang for drinking many Mike's Hard Lemonades) the entire time. I looked over at my buddy and I could see he had a Hard one right in the front of his pants! I thought that was funny because normally we put them on coasters on the table. I realized my own Mike's Hard was getting low and I said to my buddy "hey, can you toss me another Hard one?"
He informed me that we were all out and I'd have to get more Mike's Hards. I figured I could just have a swig of his and asked if I could put my mouth on his Hard one. He laughed, because we were both drunk and would normally never do this (because of germs; sharing a drink is disgusting), but eventually he gave in. I grabbed the smooth shaft of the bottle and just as I was about to put it in my mouth, my phone rang.
drunkmuggle was Suspended.
I howled. I let out a howl so loud and piercing that it woke up my son. I normally make him go to bed on Wednesday nights at 5:30pm partially because I don't want him to see me getting Hard with other men (the kid doesn't need to be exposed to heavy drinking at his age) and also because he's an annoying little shit and is usually asking questions about football, as if he were a nerd or something.
Tears rolled down my cheeks. I didn't know what to do. I kept refreshing the GameFAQs page, hoping that this was some kind of mistake. Maybe some moderator was intending to remove a post praising the KKK but had accidentally clicked on the innocent drunkmuggle link. Alas, this was not the case.
By this point, my friends were all visibly upset and I noticed they were trying to leave, even though we were only part of the way through the game. "No!" I screamed at the top of my lungs. I was inconsolable. I began thrashing about, throwing my collection of decorative throwing knives all over the crib (apartment). One knife struck my Native American friend, Big Bear Jim, in the neck. Blood gashed from his open wound, staining the carpet a deep red and splashing the walls. A sickly iron scent loomed in the air as Death claimed Big Bear Jim.
My son knew he needed to act quick. He reached into his pocket and pulled out a small crucifix. "Dad!" He yelled. "Remember how Christ died for your sins? Well, drunkmuggle did the same thing. He will live in our hearts forever, and hopefully in 3 months he will rise again from the depths of purgatory and post wonderful stories about Japanese culture on CE again."
At that moment, I knew my son was right. My rage quelled. I tossed Big Bear Jim's corpse into the dumpster and put my son into the Punishment Closet, as he had broken one of my most important rules of the house (never make eye contact with me).
Anyway, I really just miss drunkmuggle and I think the mods should reconsider his suspension.
tl;dr - free drunkmuggle
Since a young age, I have experienced frequent episodes of extremely explosive, violent white guilt. Some days, it is so bad that I can do nothing but stare at the wall and sob. I shut down emotionally and am just a very difficult person to be around.
I've been dealing with this white guilt for a very long time and in the last few years, I figured enough was enough. As many of you know, I am a huge Amiibo collector, so I created a plan to deal with this guilt in a way that is productive and beneficial for all parties involved.
What I've done is created a sort of mult-racial coalition that gets together to work out race issues together. I have a few friends that I will invite out once a month to go over issues of racial sensitivity and repairing the damage my people have done towards them for decades.
Typically, we will meet up over a casual dinner - I prefer going to Olive Garden, as that is an inclusive dining experience that is neither too casual nor too formal. When we get to the restaurant, I will typically ask the waitress for extra breadsticks, under the guise that our party is exceptionally hungry from the long drive.
As soon as the waitress brings over the breadsticks and leaves, I will dump them into a trash bag I have fixed under my shirt. A lot of people don't know this, but Olive Garden actually offers you free breadsticks for life, assuming you do not leave the restaurant. When the waitress returns to the table to take our drink order (water, of course), I will howl something like "NUMMY NUMMY. ME WANT MORE BREADSTICKS NOW. LADY GIVE!" and begin pounding on the table. She will be thrown off her guard and rush back to the kitchen to provide more breadsticks.
This is the most important part of erasing my white guilt - I will subtley take the trash bag of breadsticks outside (under the cover that I need to go smoke a cigarette - to build this illusion, I will tussle the hair of any kid waiting and go "don't start smokin', buddy. don't be like me") and empty the bag in the footwell of the passenger seat of my car. I will then return to the table and repeat this process about two or three times.
Eventually, the waitress will start to catch on and begin delaying the delivery of breadsticks. This is my cue to leave. I will ask for the bill, which is (of course) $0, and I will leave her a 20% tip ($0). I will then drive home and use the breadsticks to make sandwiches for the month.
How do you guys handle your white guilt?
I think I've told a few people around here, but for those of you that don't know, my wife has been pregnant for a while now. The pregnancy was tough on her, but was even tougher on me, as her constant vomiting, weight gain, and general discomfort was a real drag. I found it hard to eat, sleep, watch anime (in its native Japanese language, and not with those stupid fucking subtitles you gaijin use), and play video games. It was a rough 9 months.
Last night, as I was playing an intense quick match of Overwatch, my wife told me that she thought her water had broke, and that she needed to get to the hospital. I groaned and howled at her "YOU'RE EMBARRASSING ME IN FRONT OF MY FRIENDS!" but after two more games, I relented, told her to get in the backseat of the Civic and drove her to the hospital (after stopping at Taco Bell for a quick Baha Blast).
When we got there, I told my wife that I would be in the delivery room with her because the hospital staff refused to allow me to hook my PS4 up to the waiting room TV. Now as many of you know, I am a huge Amiibo collector, so I decided that it was as good a time as any to pull out my vape and chase some big clouds.
As soon as I started vaping, however, a male nurse came up to me and starting giving me a problem. "Excuse me," he said. "You can't do that in here."
I was shocked. In all the years of my existence, I've never been vape-shamed before and did not know how to respond to such bigotry. I considered karate chopping this male nurse out of existence, as I knew that his parents were likely not proud of him for his career decisions, but I decided to fight him with logic and reason instead.
I took off my cowboy hat and looked the nurse straight in the eyes. "Are you aware that in Article 10 of the US Bill of Rights, it is stated that the powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution are reserved for the states." My wife started whining about pain or something and I threw my Baha Blast at her to shut her up. "Now, I don't know about you," I said to the nurse, "but I don't see any clause in the Constitution about vape laws. This is a state issue, and I am stating that I need to vape right now."
The male nurse got extremely angry and his face grew red. "I hate America!" He screamed. "And I hate freedom! I disagree with your strong, traditional values and I also believe that we should say Happy Holidays during the winter months so nobody feels left out."
At this moment, I knew what I had to do. I put back on my cowboy hat, tightened my bolo tie, and flipped the "Overdrive" switch on my vape. I then proceeded to rip the biggest, fattest cloud I had ever ripped. When I exhaled the vapor, it came out in the shape of a crucifix, and this divine cloud flew right into the face of the male nurse.
The male nurse screamed as the flesh melted off his face. He collapsed into a puddle of blood on the floor. The other nurses looked at me, shocked, as I continued to rip fat clouds. All of a sudden, I heard the faint sound of clapping, which then grew louder and louder. A woman emerged from the shadows who I knew as none other than Hilary "Rockin' Rodham" Clinton.
"Hello," HRRC said to me. "I was in this hospital delivery room ready to feast on the soul of your unborn child, but when I saw you bravely stand up for the US Constitution, I felt a change stir up in me," HRRC smiled. "It reminded me of why I became a Powerful White Woman in the first place. As your reward, I'd like to offer you a $100 Best Buy Gift Card and one wish of your choice."
I bowed. "Thank you, Rockin' Rodham," I said. "For my one wish, I wish that I had two $100 Best Buy Gift cards."
"It shall be done," said Hilary, and like that, she was gone.
Anyway, has anyone on CE ever been discriminated against?
I have had a good deal of success in my dating/sex life and figured I could pass on some tips to lonely CEmen that have had some problems in the past. You've heard the D.E.N.N.I.S. Method from It's Always Sunny and I figured I'd fit my own seduction method into a paradigm like this.
Behold:
The S.H.I.N.O.B.I. Method
My method makes the assumption that you have already met a woman and have her number, which I feel is the easy part because it can just be a girl you matched with through online dating or met in a group project or something. Anyway:
1. S - Send Vague Text Responses
Girls eat this shit up. Don't give her any definite responses or make her feel like she's worth any more time than a text message. If you are too much of a "nice guy" then normally the girl gets turned off, but you can't be a dick either. You need to be aloof; this girl KNOWS she can pull a thousand guys on Tinder in fifteen minutes, but if you aren't acting thirsty it will instantly elevate you above them.
2. H - Have Her Meet You For Dinner at Olive Garden
Olive Garden is the perfect casual dining experience. It is nice enough that it will feel like an actual date, but not too nice that your date is intimidated. It also offers ample parking. Make sure that you drive separately; this is important later on.
3. I - Indicate That You Would Like a Round of Breadsticks for the Table
As soon as the waitress attends to your table, order a round of Breadsticks. The Breadsticks are not only free, but they are unlimited, and that will be key here. As many of you know, I am a huge Amiibo collector, so I find it important to let the waitress know right away that you want the Breadsticks, as there will not be any wasted time.
4. N - Never Let the Waitress See You Taking Breadsticks Out of the Restaurant
Once your have received your basket of Breadsticks, you may empty them all out into your jacket pockets, but as this is uncomfortable, you will want to make sure you take trips to your car periodically to unload. This is where it becomes key that you drove to the restaurant separately. Make sure the wait staff does not see you leaving to unload either, or they will kick you out (has happened to me on rare occasions).
5. O - Order More Breadsticks
As soon as the waitress comes back, say "nummy nummy, breadsticks in me tummy, yummy yummy, more more!" or something to that nature. The waitress will think you are a big fat fuck and likely go back to provide more, as Olive Garden provides these Breadsticks for free and the restaurants are insured for thousands anyway (so they aren't taking a financial hit from the Breastick losses).
6. B - Bring a Trash Bag to Store Breadsticks
This part is key. You can only go out to your car so many times before you begin to rouse suspicion. I like to use the "Oh, I left my dog chained outside of the restaurant, better bring him water this time!" or "Methinks I have left my child in the hot car! Daddy's coming!" However, too many trips will start to get you looks, so bring a trash bag to fill up with Breadsticks (under your table).
7. I - Immediately Leave the Restaurant After Your Bag is Full
Once the bag is full, you can no longer unload in your car, so it is time to leave. If you have done this correctly, your bill will be $0.00 and you will have a car loaded with warm, garlic and parmesan covered baked goods.
From there, you can use these Breadsticks to make sandwiches for the month. I hope this advice helps some of you CEmen, because I know dating is hard and it's sometimes nerve wracking knowing how to behave on a first date.
last night i drove home from work and as i was leaving the car, i decided to clean out the receipts for gas/coffee/food that have accumulated in my car.
so i grab them, shove the receipts in my pocket (hands were full with other stuff), and i stop to throw all the receipts into the MGSV Receptacle (dumpster) before going inside my apartment building.
inside i empty my pockets - phone, wallet, but where is my work ID (needed to get into the building)? i realize immediately that it was in the pocket with the receipts and i sprint outside to go get it.
I look in the dumpster and sure enough there is my ID card sitting on the trash. I try to reach it but I can't because it's too far in. I figure my roommate can help me reach it, so i call him but he says he won't be home until late that night.
God damn it. So I figure fuck it, looks like I'm going into the dumpster. Im in my work clothes but i dont want to go change to dumpster diving clothes because i need to get this out before people throw in more trash.
I stand on a box to try and get some leverage and put myeslf over the side. my foot goes through the box and trash and half eaten food covered in bugs spills everywhere.
So I then try to put my legs against the fence on the side of the dumpster and prop myself up, and then I jump into the dumpster.
I am like shin deep in trash now and i grab my ID card. the smell is horrendous. now i just need to get out. The dumpster is pretty high up and the front is curved so I try and lower myself out. i realize its not going to happen because the dumpster is fenced in, so i basically just try to take a running start and end up jumping right into the fence in front of me.
i then went inside and had a beer and the beer was pretty shitty.
tl;dr - i hung out in a dumpster like frank and charlie
My wisdom teeth are coming in so I took a half day to go to the dentist and get a check up.
Everything was going well and he said it didn't seem like the teeth needed to come out at the moment. When he finished examining my teeth, turned off his tools, etc, he said to me "alright my [n-word], you're good to go."
He immediately realized what he said and kept apologizing profusely, saying he was sorry, he does not normally speak like this, etc
We are both white so I am not sure how to react to this. I have been feeling empty inside all day. Should I report him to the BBB?
Last night I visited my parents and my dad and I watched a few movies (Wet Hot Asses 14 and Terminator Genisys). My dad and I have been enjoying adult films for a while now and it's always fun to watch a new one when we are hanging out.
I was telling my friends a funny story about a comment my dad made while watching Wet Hot Asses 14 and they got weird on me, saying that watching porn with your dad isn't normal.
It's not like my dad and I are jerking each other off or anything gross like that. We just like to get together and watch a few hardcore pornography films. IMO it's no different than going to a strip club.
Do you watch porn with your dad? Do you think it's weird?
