Since a young age, I have experienced frequent episodes of extremely explosive, violent white guilt. Some days, it is so bad that I can do nothing but stare at the wall and sob. I shut down emotionally and am just a very difficult person to be around.
I've been dealing with this white guilt for a very long time and in the last few years, I figured enough was enough. As many of you know, I am a huge Amiibo collector, so I created a plan to deal with this guilt in a way that is productive and beneficial for all parties involved.
What I've done is created a sort of mult-racial coalition that gets together to work out race issues together. I have a few friends that I will invite out once a month to go over issues of racial sensitivity and repairing the damage my people have done towards them for decades.
Typically, we will meet up over a casual dinner - I prefer going to Olive Garden, as that is an inclusive dining experience that is neither too casual nor too formal. When we get to the restaurant, I will typically ask the waitress for extra breadsticks, under the guise that our party is exceptionally hungry from the long drive.
As soon as the waitress brings over the breadsticks and leaves, I will dump them into a trash bag I have fixed under my shirt. A lot of people don't know this, but Olive Garden actually offers you free breadsticks for life, assuming you do not leave the restaurant. When the waitress returns to the table to take our drink order (water, of course), I will howl something like "NUMMY NUMMY. ME WANT MORE BREADSTICKS NOW. LADY GIVE!" and begin pounding on the table. She will be thrown off her guard and rush back to the kitchen to provide more breadsticks.
This is the most important part of erasing my white guilt - I will subtley take the trash bag of breadsticks outside (under the cover that I need to go smoke a cigarette - to build this illusion, I will tussle the hair of any kid waiting and go "don't start smokin', buddy. don't be like me") and empty the bag in the footwell of the passenger seat of my car. I will then return to the table and repeat this process about two or three times.
Eventually, the waitress will start to catch on and begin delaying the delivery of breadsticks. This is my cue to leave. I will ask for the bill, which is (of course) $0, and I will leave her a 20% tip ($0). I will then drive home and use the breadsticks to make sandwiches for the month.
How do you guys handle your white guilt?
Tuesday, August 30, 2016
Thursday, July 7, 2016
Wow, I was discriminated against last night.
I think I've told a few people around here, but for those of you that don't know, my wife has been pregnant for a while now. The pregnancy was tough on her, but was even tougher on me, as her constant vomiting, weight gain, and general discomfort was a real drag. I found it hard to eat, sleep, watch anime (in its native Japanese language, and not with those stupid fucking subtitles you gaijin use), and play video games. It was a rough 9 months.
Last night, as I was playing an intense quick match of Overwatch, my wife told me that she thought her water had broke, and that she needed to get to the hospital. I groaned and howled at her "YOU'RE EMBARRASSING ME IN FRONT OF MY FRIENDS!" but after two more games, I relented, told her to get in the backseat of the Civic and drove her to the hospital (after stopping at Taco Bell for a quick Baha Blast).
When we got there, I told my wife that I would be in the delivery room with her because the hospital staff refused to allow me to hook my PS4 up to the waiting room TV. Now as many of you know, I am a huge Amiibo collector, so I decided that it was as good a time as any to pull out my vape and chase some big clouds.
As soon as I started vaping, however, a male nurse came up to me and starting giving me a problem. "Excuse me," he said. "You can't do that in here."
I was shocked. In all the years of my existence, I've never been vape-shamed before and did not know how to respond to such bigotry. I considered karate chopping this male nurse out of existence, as I knew that his parents were likely not proud of him for his career decisions, but I decided to fight him with logic and reason instead.
I took off my cowboy hat and looked the nurse straight in the eyes. "Are you aware that in Article 10 of the US Bill of Rights, it is stated that the powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution are reserved for the states." My wife started whining about pain or something and I threw my Baha Blast at her to shut her up. "Now, I don't know about you," I said to the nurse, "but I don't see any clause in the Constitution about vape laws. This is a state issue, and I am stating that I need to vape right now."
The male nurse got extremely angry and his face grew red. "I hate America!" He screamed. "And I hate freedom! I disagree with your strong, traditional values and I also believe that we should say Happy Holidays during the winter months so nobody feels left out."
At this moment, I knew what I had to do. I put back on my cowboy hat, tightened my bolo tie, and flipped the "Overdrive" switch on my vape. I then proceeded to rip the biggest, fattest cloud I had ever ripped. When I exhaled the vapor, it came out in the shape of a crucifix, and this divine cloud flew right into the face of the male nurse.
The male nurse screamed as the flesh melted off his face. He collapsed into a puddle of blood on the floor. The other nurses looked at me, shocked, as I continued to rip fat clouds. All of a sudden, I heard the faint sound of clapping, which then grew louder and louder. A woman emerged from the shadows who I knew as none other than Hilary "Rockin' Rodham" Clinton.
"Hello," HRRC said to me. "I was in this hospital delivery room ready to feast on the soul of your unborn child, but when I saw you bravely stand up for the US Constitution, I felt a change stir up in me," HRRC smiled. "It reminded me of why I became a Powerful White Woman in the first place. As your reward, I'd like to offer you a $100 Best Buy Gift Card and one wish of your choice."
I bowed. "Thank you, Rockin' Rodham," I said. "For my one wish, I wish that I had two $100 Best Buy Gift cards."
"It shall be done," said Hilary, and like that, she was gone.
Anyway, has anyone on CE ever been discriminated against?
Last night, as I was playing an intense quick match of Overwatch, my wife told me that she thought her water had broke, and that she needed to get to the hospital. I groaned and howled at her "YOU'RE EMBARRASSING ME IN FRONT OF MY FRIENDS!" but after two more games, I relented, told her to get in the backseat of the Civic and drove her to the hospital (after stopping at Taco Bell for a quick Baha Blast).
When we got there, I told my wife that I would be in the delivery room with her because the hospital staff refused to allow me to hook my PS4 up to the waiting room TV. Now as many of you know, I am a huge Amiibo collector, so I decided that it was as good a time as any to pull out my vape and chase some big clouds.
As soon as I started vaping, however, a male nurse came up to me and starting giving me a problem. "Excuse me," he said. "You can't do that in here."
I was shocked. In all the years of my existence, I've never been vape-shamed before and did not know how to respond to such bigotry. I considered karate chopping this male nurse out of existence, as I knew that his parents were likely not proud of him for his career decisions, but I decided to fight him with logic and reason instead.
I took off my cowboy hat and looked the nurse straight in the eyes. "Are you aware that in Article 10 of the US Bill of Rights, it is stated that the powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution are reserved for the states." My wife started whining about pain or something and I threw my Baha Blast at her to shut her up. "Now, I don't know about you," I said to the nurse, "but I don't see any clause in the Constitution about vape laws. This is a state issue, and I am stating that I need to vape right now."
The male nurse got extremely angry and his face grew red. "I hate America!" He screamed. "And I hate freedom! I disagree with your strong, traditional values and I also believe that we should say Happy Holidays during the winter months so nobody feels left out."
At this moment, I knew what I had to do. I put back on my cowboy hat, tightened my bolo tie, and flipped the "Overdrive" switch on my vape. I then proceeded to rip the biggest, fattest cloud I had ever ripped. When I exhaled the vapor, it came out in the shape of a crucifix, and this divine cloud flew right into the face of the male nurse.
The male nurse screamed as the flesh melted off his face. He collapsed into a puddle of blood on the floor. The other nurses looked at me, shocked, as I continued to rip fat clouds. All of a sudden, I heard the faint sound of clapping, which then grew louder and louder. A woman emerged from the shadows who I knew as none other than Hilary "Rockin' Rodham" Clinton.
"Hello," HRRC said to me. "I was in this hospital delivery room ready to feast on the soul of your unborn child, but when I saw you bravely stand up for the US Constitution, I felt a change stir up in me," HRRC smiled. "It reminded me of why I became a Powerful White Woman in the first place. As your reward, I'd like to offer you a $100 Best Buy Gift Card and one wish of your choice."
I bowed. "Thank you, Rockin' Rodham," I said. "For my one wish, I wish that I had two $100 Best Buy Gift cards."
"It shall be done," said Hilary, and like that, she was gone.
Anyway, has anyone on CE ever been discriminated against?
Wednesday, May 11, 2016
ITT I teach you lonely CEmen my seduction technique
I have had a good deal of success in my dating/sex life and figured I could pass on some tips to lonely CEmen that have had some problems in the past. You've heard the D.E.N.N.I.S. Method from It's Always Sunny and I figured I'd fit my own seduction method into a paradigm like this.
Behold:
The S.H.I.N.O.B.I. Method
My method makes the assumption that you have already met a woman and have her number, which I feel is the easy part because it can just be a girl you matched with through online dating or met in a group project or something. Anyway:
1. S - Send Vague Text Responses
Girls eat this shit up. Don't give her any definite responses or make her feel like she's worth any more time than a text message. If you are too much of a "nice guy" then normally the girl gets turned off, but you can't be a dick either. You need to be aloof; this girl KNOWS she can pull a thousand guys on Tinder in fifteen minutes, but if you aren't acting thirsty it will instantly elevate you above them.
2. H - Have Her Meet You For Dinner at Olive Garden
Olive Garden is the perfect casual dining experience. It is nice enough that it will feel like an actual date, but not too nice that your date is intimidated. It also offers ample parking. Make sure that you drive separately; this is important later on.
3. I - Indicate That You Would Like a Round of Breadsticks for the Table
As soon as the waitress attends to your table, order a round of Breadsticks. The Breadsticks are not only free, but they are unlimited, and that will be key here. As many of you know, I am a huge Amiibo collector, so I find it important to let the waitress know right away that you want the Breadsticks, as there will not be any wasted time.
4. N - Never Let the Waitress See You Taking Breadsticks Out of the Restaurant
Once your have received your basket of Breadsticks, you may empty them all out into your jacket pockets, but as this is uncomfortable, you will want to make sure you take trips to your car periodically to unload. This is where it becomes key that you drove to the restaurant separately. Make sure the wait staff does not see you leaving to unload either, or they will kick you out (has happened to me on rare occasions).
5. O - Order More Breadsticks
As soon as the waitress comes back, say "nummy nummy, breadsticks in me tummy, yummy yummy, more more!" or something to that nature. The waitress will think you are a big fat fuck and likely go back to provide more, as Olive Garden provides these Breadsticks for free and the restaurants are insured for thousands anyway (so they aren't taking a financial hit from the Breastick losses).
6. B - Bring a Trash Bag to Store Breadsticks
This part is key. You can only go out to your car so many times before you begin to rouse suspicion. I like to use the "Oh, I left my dog chained outside of the restaurant, better bring him water this time!" or "Methinks I have left my child in the hot car! Daddy's coming!" However, too many trips will start to get you looks, so bring a trash bag to fill up with Breadsticks (under your table).
7. I - Immediately Leave the Restaurant After Your Bag is Full
Once the bag is full, you can no longer unload in your car, so it is time to leave. If you have done this correctly, your bill will be $0.00 and you will have a car loaded with warm, garlic and parmesan covered baked goods.
From there, you can use these Breadsticks to make sandwiches for the month. I hope this advice helps some of you CEmen, because I know dating is hard and it's sometimes nerve wracking knowing how to behave on a first date.
Behold:
The S.H.I.N.O.B.I. Method
My method makes the assumption that you have already met a woman and have her number, which I feel is the easy part because it can just be a girl you matched with through online dating or met in a group project or something. Anyway:
1. S - Send Vague Text Responses
Girls eat this shit up. Don't give her any definite responses or make her feel like she's worth any more time than a text message. If you are too much of a "nice guy" then normally the girl gets turned off, but you can't be a dick either. You need to be aloof; this girl KNOWS she can pull a thousand guys on Tinder in fifteen minutes, but if you aren't acting thirsty it will instantly elevate you above them.
2. H - Have Her Meet You For Dinner at Olive Garden
Olive Garden is the perfect casual dining experience. It is nice enough that it will feel like an actual date, but not too nice that your date is intimidated. It also offers ample parking. Make sure that you drive separately; this is important later on.
3. I - Indicate That You Would Like a Round of Breadsticks for the Table
As soon as the waitress attends to your table, order a round of Breadsticks. The Breadsticks are not only free, but they are unlimited, and that will be key here. As many of you know, I am a huge Amiibo collector, so I find it important to let the waitress know right away that you want the Breadsticks, as there will not be any wasted time.
4. N - Never Let the Waitress See You Taking Breadsticks Out of the Restaurant
Once your have received your basket of Breadsticks, you may empty them all out into your jacket pockets, but as this is uncomfortable, you will want to make sure you take trips to your car periodically to unload. This is where it becomes key that you drove to the restaurant separately. Make sure the wait staff does not see you leaving to unload either, or they will kick you out (has happened to me on rare occasions).
5. O - Order More Breadsticks
As soon as the waitress comes back, say "nummy nummy, breadsticks in me tummy, yummy yummy, more more!" or something to that nature. The waitress will think you are a big fat fuck and likely go back to provide more, as Olive Garden provides these Breadsticks for free and the restaurants are insured for thousands anyway (so they aren't taking a financial hit from the Breastick losses).
6. B - Bring a Trash Bag to Store Breadsticks
This part is key. You can only go out to your car so many times before you begin to rouse suspicion. I like to use the "Oh, I left my dog chained outside of the restaurant, better bring him water this time!" or "Methinks I have left my child in the hot car! Daddy's coming!" However, too many trips will start to get you looks, so bring a trash bag to fill up with Breadsticks (under your table).
7. I - Immediately Leave the Restaurant After Your Bag is Full
Once the bag is full, you can no longer unload in your car, so it is time to leave. If you have done this correctly, your bill will be $0.00 and you will have a car loaded with warm, garlic and parmesan covered baked goods.
From there, you can use these Breadsticks to make sandwiches for the month. I hope this advice helps some of you CEmen, because I know dating is hard and it's sometimes nerve wracking knowing how to behave on a first date.
Friday, April 22, 2016
i was in a dumpster last night
last night i drove home from work and as i was leaving the car, i decided to clean out the receipts for gas/coffee/food that have accumulated in my car.
so i grab them, shove the receipts in my pocket (hands were full with other stuff), and i stop to throw all the receipts into the MGSV Receptacle (dumpster) before going inside my apartment building.
inside i empty my pockets - phone, wallet, but where is my work ID (needed to get into the building)? i realize immediately that it was in the pocket with the receipts and i sprint outside to go get it.
I look in the dumpster and sure enough there is my ID card sitting on the trash. I try to reach it but I can't because it's too far in. I figure my roommate can help me reach it, so i call him but he says he won't be home until late that night.
God damn it. So I figure fuck it, looks like I'm going into the dumpster. Im in my work clothes but i dont want to go change to dumpster diving clothes because i need to get this out before people throw in more trash.
I stand on a box to try and get some leverage and put myeslf over the side. my foot goes through the box and trash and half eaten food covered in bugs spills everywhere.
So I then try to put my legs against the fence on the side of the dumpster and prop myself up, and then I jump into the dumpster.
I am like shin deep in trash now and i grab my ID card. the smell is horrendous. now i just need to get out. The dumpster is pretty high up and the front is curved so I try and lower myself out. i realize its not going to happen because the dumpster is fenced in, so i basically just try to take a running start and end up jumping right into the fence in front of me.
i then went inside and had a beer and the beer was pretty shitty.
tl;dr - i hung out in a dumpster like frank and charlie
so i grab them, shove the receipts in my pocket (hands were full with other stuff), and i stop to throw all the receipts into the MGSV Receptacle (dumpster) before going inside my apartment building.
inside i empty my pockets - phone, wallet, but where is my work ID (needed to get into the building)? i realize immediately that it was in the pocket with the receipts and i sprint outside to go get it.
I look in the dumpster and sure enough there is my ID card sitting on the trash. I try to reach it but I can't because it's too far in. I figure my roommate can help me reach it, so i call him but he says he won't be home until late that night.
God damn it. So I figure fuck it, looks like I'm going into the dumpster. Im in my work clothes but i dont want to go change to dumpster diving clothes because i need to get this out before people throw in more trash.
I stand on a box to try and get some leverage and put myeslf over the side. my foot goes through the box and trash and half eaten food covered in bugs spills everywhere.
So I then try to put my legs against the fence on the side of the dumpster and prop myself up, and then I jump into the dumpster.
I am like shin deep in trash now and i grab my ID card. the smell is horrendous. now i just need to get out. The dumpster is pretty high up and the front is curved so I try and lower myself out. i realize its not going to happen because the dumpster is fenced in, so i basically just try to take a running start and end up jumping right into the fence in front of me.
i then went inside and had a beer and the beer was pretty shitty.
tl;dr - i hung out in a dumpster like frank and charlie
Monday, March 21, 2016
My dentist called me the n-word this afternoon, not sure how to react
My wisdom teeth are coming in so I took a half day to go to the dentist and get a check up.
Everything was going well and he said it didn't seem like the teeth needed to come out at the moment. When he finished examining my teeth, turned off his tools, etc, he said to me "alright my [n-word], you're good to go."
He immediately realized what he said and kept apologizing profusely, saying he was sorry, he does not normally speak like this, etc
We are both white so I am not sure how to react to this. I have been feeling empty inside all day. Should I report him to the BBB?
Everything was going well and he said it didn't seem like the teeth needed to come out at the moment. When he finished examining my teeth, turned off his tools, etc, he said to me "alright my [n-word], you're good to go."
He immediately realized what he said and kept apologizing profusely, saying he was sorry, he does not normally speak like this, etc
We are both white so I am not sure how to react to this. I have been feeling empty inside all day. Should I report him to the BBB?
Tuesday, January 5, 2016
Do you watch porn with your dad?
Last night I visited my parents and my dad and I watched a few movies (Wet Hot Asses 14 and Terminator Genisys). My dad and I have been enjoying adult films for a while now and it's always fun to watch a new one when we are hanging out.
I was telling my friends a funny story about a comment my dad made while watching Wet Hot Asses 14 and they got weird on me, saying that watching porn with your dad isn't normal.
It's not like my dad and I are jerking each other off or anything gross like that. We just like to get together and watch a few hardcore pornography films. IMO it's no different than going to a strip club.
Do you watch porn with your dad? Do you think it's weird?
I was telling my friends a funny story about a comment my dad made while watching Wet Hot Asses 14 and they got weird on me, saying that watching porn with your dad isn't normal.
It's not like my dad and I are jerking each other off or anything gross like that. We just like to get together and watch a few hardcore pornography films. IMO it's no different than going to a strip club.
Do you watch porn with your dad? Do you think it's weird?
Thursday, December 31, 2015
Wow, I ran into my old high school bully today
This morning, I was on the train with my mom to go into the city. My mom promised me if I went to the city to help her carry her bags she'd take me to Red Mango, and while I do not care for frozen yogurt, I figured I would just fill up a cup with the cookie dough bites and bleed that bitch dry.
Anyway, as I was sitting on the train and leafing through the pages of my manga, I noticed a familiar face, wearing a suit, walk by and sit down a few rows behind me. My mom caught my gaze and asked me who that was.
I explained that his name was Frank Chang and he was my Chinese bully in high school. He would give me swirlies whenever I was in the bathroom stalls (frequently laughing at how I had to pull my pants all the way down to pee), flushies when I was at the urinal (basically flushing the urinal while I was in mid stream, causing water to rush in and splash all over my pants), and slushies when I wasn't even in the bathroom (basically saving toilet water in a mason jar to splash all over me whenever he noticed I got an involuntary boner in gym class).
My mom said that I should go talk to him. I said "bitch, are you trippin?" but she explained that perhaps things had changed in the 15 years since 10th grade and that he seemed like a fully functional adult.
After a while of arguing (and after my mom confiscated my manga), I got up, wiped my sweaty hands on my kimono, and moved to the back of the train car.
"Hi Frank," I said nervous. Frank scrunched up his face, said hello, and gave me that "do I know you" look. "It's me, Toby, from high school," I said. "Oh, hey Toby," Frank responded. "How are you? How has your year been?"
I told him everything was going pretty well. I had been writing a lot of fanfiction, I have been trying to eat better, my son died, and I recently purchased a PS4.
Frank told me things were going well for him too. He had recently gotten married and his wife was pregnant with their first child. He mentioned that they had moved to a nice house in the suburbs, where he commutes to his job at an investment bank in the city, and were enjoying a normal, quiet life.
As many of you know, I am a huge amiibo collector, and I knew what he was trying to do and I wouldn't let Frank bully me again like he did 15 years ago. I reached under my kimono to pull out my tanto when I felt a hand on my shoulder.
"Please, do not spill blood on this train," the voice said. "Allow me to act instead; I'm FINNa take down some bullies." I then saw a fist slam into Frank's face, and Frank slumped forward, his head crashing into the seat in front of him. His body twitched a little and then didn't move.
I turned around to thank my new friend and found out it was none other than actor John "Star War" Boyega!
Before I could open my mouth to thank him, John "Star War" Boyega said "there is nuFINN I hate more than bullies. As a young actor in my prime, I take great pleasure in policing the trains of the Northeast with my fist. Seeing you stand up to this cruel man has inspired me to take action in my own life. I am going to quit acting to realize my true passion: working part time at Home Depot while attending community college night courses so I can eventually become a medical assistant."
John "Star War" Boyega bowed to me, gave me a kiss on a cheek, and handed me an envelope. "In this envelope is a $25 Gift Card to Best Buy," he stated. "Use it wisely."
Like that, he was gone, and I went back to my seat. I reached into my satchel and pulled out a breadsticks sandwich. Taking a bite, I thought to myself "what a nice man." The train pulled up to our stop and as I was getting off, I threw the gift card into the trash. Best Buy is for plebes anyway.
Anyway, as I was sitting on the train and leafing through the pages of my manga, I noticed a familiar face, wearing a suit, walk by and sit down a few rows behind me. My mom caught my gaze and asked me who that was.
I explained that his name was Frank Chang and he was my Chinese bully in high school. He would give me swirlies whenever I was in the bathroom stalls (frequently laughing at how I had to pull my pants all the way down to pee), flushies when I was at the urinal (basically flushing the urinal while I was in mid stream, causing water to rush in and splash all over my pants), and slushies when I wasn't even in the bathroom (basically saving toilet water in a mason jar to splash all over me whenever he noticed I got an involuntary boner in gym class).
My mom said that I should go talk to him. I said "bitch, are you trippin?" but she explained that perhaps things had changed in the 15 years since 10th grade and that he seemed like a fully functional adult.
After a while of arguing (and after my mom confiscated my manga), I got up, wiped my sweaty hands on my kimono, and moved to the back of the train car.
"Hi Frank," I said nervous. Frank scrunched up his face, said hello, and gave me that "do I know you" look. "It's me, Toby, from high school," I said. "Oh, hey Toby," Frank responded. "How are you? How has your year been?"
I told him everything was going pretty well. I had been writing a lot of fanfiction, I have been trying to eat better, my son died, and I recently purchased a PS4.
Frank told me things were going well for him too. He had recently gotten married and his wife was pregnant with their first child. He mentioned that they had moved to a nice house in the suburbs, where he commutes to his job at an investment bank in the city, and were enjoying a normal, quiet life.
As many of you know, I am a huge amiibo collector, and I knew what he was trying to do and I wouldn't let Frank bully me again like he did 15 years ago. I reached under my kimono to pull out my tanto when I felt a hand on my shoulder.
"Please, do not spill blood on this train," the voice said. "Allow me to act instead; I'm FINNa take down some bullies." I then saw a fist slam into Frank's face, and Frank slumped forward, his head crashing into the seat in front of him. His body twitched a little and then didn't move.
I turned around to thank my new friend and found out it was none other than actor John "Star War" Boyega!
Before I could open my mouth to thank him, John "Star War" Boyega said "there is nuFINN I hate more than bullies. As a young actor in my prime, I take great pleasure in policing the trains of the Northeast with my fist. Seeing you stand up to this cruel man has inspired me to take action in my own life. I am going to quit acting to realize my true passion: working part time at Home Depot while attending community college night courses so I can eventually become a medical assistant."
John "Star War" Boyega bowed to me, gave me a kiss on a cheek, and handed me an envelope. "In this envelope is a $25 Gift Card to Best Buy," he stated. "Use it wisely."
Like that, he was gone, and I went back to my seat. I reached into my satchel and pulled out a breadsticks sandwich. Taking a bite, I thought to myself "what a nice man." The train pulled up to our stop and as I was getting off, I threw the gift card into the trash. Best Buy is for plebes anyway.
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