Since a young age, I have experienced frequent episodes of extremely explosive, violent white guilt. Some days, it is so bad that I can do nothing but stare at the wall and sob. I shut down emotionally and am just a very difficult person to be around.
I've been dealing with this white guilt for a very long time and in the last few years, I figured enough was enough. As many of you know, I am a huge Amiibo collector, so I created a plan to deal with this guilt in a way that is productive and beneficial for all parties involved.
What I've done is created a sort of mult-racial coalition that gets together to work out race issues together. I have a few friends that I will invite out once a month to go over issues of racial sensitivity and repairing the damage my people have done towards them for decades.
Typically, we will meet up over a casual dinner - I prefer going to Olive Garden, as that is an inclusive dining experience that is neither too casual nor too formal. When we get to the restaurant, I will typically ask the waitress for extra breadsticks, under the guise that our party is exceptionally hungry from the long drive.
As soon as the waitress brings over the breadsticks and leaves, I will dump them into a trash bag I have fixed under my shirt. A lot of people don't know this, but Olive Garden actually offers you free breadsticks for life, assuming you do not leave the restaurant. When the waitress returns to the table to take our drink order (water, of course), I will howl something like "NUMMY NUMMY. ME WANT MORE BREADSTICKS NOW. LADY GIVE!" and begin pounding on the table. She will be thrown off her guard and rush back to the kitchen to provide more breadsticks.
This is the most important part of erasing my white guilt - I will subtley take the trash bag of breadsticks outside (under the cover that I need to go smoke a cigarette - to build this illusion, I will tussle the hair of any kid waiting and go "don't start smokin', buddy. don't be like me") and empty the bag in the footwell of the passenger seat of my car. I will then return to the table and repeat this process about two or three times.
Eventually, the waitress will start to catch on and begin delaying the delivery of breadsticks. This is my cue to leave. I will ask for the bill, which is (of course) $0, and I will leave her a 20% tip ($0). I will then drive home and use the breadsticks to make sandwiches for the month.
Thursday, November 16, 2017
Monday, November 6, 2017
What is the thinking man's video game?
Call of Duty WWII
This is a game for the true intellectual; stunted children (liberals) need not apply here. CoD:WWII takes 6 years of the deadliest conflict in human history and condenses them to one $60 package. You are not playing a "shooter," you are playing a slice of life itself.
As you play CoD:WWII, you will be overwhelmed with the entire human experience condensed into one 6 hour campaign. You will see battles fought with intense strategic depth (coordinated by some of the greatest strategic minds, such as Patton and Rommel). You will learn history. You will gaze upon some of the most iconic constructs of man. All of this is wrapped up in an emotional story of loss and sacrifice. If I had to describe CoD:WWII in one word, it would be "profound."
However, the true majesty of CoD:WWII does not just end there. It extends to the multiplayer component as well. Wheras the campaign tests your historical knowledge and emotional depth, the multiplayer will test your reflexes, analytical thinking, mathematical acumen, and non-linear thinking.
Competitive matches are fast, brutal, and highly strategic. Your reflexes will be tested, as will your ability to maintain composure under very high stress. After just one match, I measured my heart rate and found that it was at 200bpm; the game pushed me to my physical peak. After two matches, I found that I was started to gain near superhuman reflexes, enabling me to catch a jar my cat was pushing off the counter before the cat even fully pushed it off. After three matches, I was astrally projecting.
Outside of the fiercely competitive multiplayer, there is also a fantastic area where you can gain points to unlock loot crates and watch other people open loot crates. Simpletons need not apply here; only the top analytical minds here will be able to keep track of all the various numbers being thrown around, and they will have to be doing combinatorics calculations on the fly in order to fully optimize their loot crate experiences. Some of the most mathematically gifted people will take great intellectual pleasure from just watching other people opening loot crates, knowing that there are so many young people in today's day and age who are deriving pleasure from such probability based math problems.
Overall, CoD:WWII is the total package. It takes you to new emotional depths you never dreamed of, it hones your physical skills to superhuman levels, and it tests your minds with some of the most difficult math problems known to man. I can think of nothing more powerful.
This is a game for the true intellectual; stunted children (liberals) need not apply here. CoD:WWII takes 6 years of the deadliest conflict in human history and condenses them to one $60 package. You are not playing a "shooter," you are playing a slice of life itself.
As you play CoD:WWII, you will be overwhelmed with the entire human experience condensed into one 6 hour campaign. You will see battles fought with intense strategic depth (coordinated by some of the greatest strategic minds, such as Patton and Rommel). You will learn history. You will gaze upon some of the most iconic constructs of man. All of this is wrapped up in an emotional story of loss and sacrifice. If I had to describe CoD:WWII in one word, it would be "profound."
However, the true majesty of CoD:WWII does not just end there. It extends to the multiplayer component as well. Wheras the campaign tests your historical knowledge and emotional depth, the multiplayer will test your reflexes, analytical thinking, mathematical acumen, and non-linear thinking.
Competitive matches are fast, brutal, and highly strategic. Your reflexes will be tested, as will your ability to maintain composure under very high stress. After just one match, I measured my heart rate and found that it was at 200bpm; the game pushed me to my physical peak. After two matches, I found that I was started to gain near superhuman reflexes, enabling me to catch a jar my cat was pushing off the counter before the cat even fully pushed it off. After three matches, I was astrally projecting.
Outside of the fiercely competitive multiplayer, there is also a fantastic area where you can gain points to unlock loot crates and watch other people open loot crates. Simpletons need not apply here; only the top analytical minds here will be able to keep track of all the various numbers being thrown around, and they will have to be doing combinatorics calculations on the fly in order to fully optimize their loot crate experiences. Some of the most mathematically gifted people will take great intellectual pleasure from just watching other people opening loot crates, knowing that there are so many young people in today's day and age who are deriving pleasure from such probability based math problems.
Overall, CoD:WWII is the total package. It takes you to new emotional depths you never dreamed of, it hones your physical skills to superhuman levels, and it tests your minds with some of the most difficult math problems known to man. I can think of nothing more powerful.
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