I can't believe how narrowly I avoided getting seriously hurt - I'm still shaking as I am typing this.
Anyway, last night, it was a friend of mine's birthday, so I met up with him and a few other people to celebrate at his apartment in NYC, followed by a little bar hopping afterwards in Brooklyn.
It was starting to get late and I had work the next morning, so I figured it was time to head back to my home (in NJ). I hustled back to NY Penn Station and waited it out in the main terminal area while I waited for my train to board. As I was gazing up at the train schedule, I felt a sudden and powerful urge to use the bathroom. I immediately realized that the spicy wings I had ate just hours ago were now desperately trying to escape, and if I didn't make it to a bathroom soon, I was going to have an accident soon.
I beelined to the bathroom, rushed into a stall, and unleashed a BM so foul that I felt I may have disrespected the dead. I leaned back on the toilet and breathed a sigh of relief, but my victory was shortlived; as I debated in my mind over what wiping method I was going to use (leaning towards the Kleinman Method), I heard a sudden and very loud knock on the stall door.
"Ayo," a loud voice bellowed. "hook ya boy up with some of that dank ass jenk." I immediately tensed up. I had heard about the growing jenkem epidemic in the US Northeast, but this was the first time I had ever actually had an encounter with a jenkhead, live and in person.
As many of you know, I am a huge Amiibo collector, so in a small voice I replied "Excuse me my good sir, but perchance, hath you confused me with another gentleman? I do not believe I am the 'boy' that you seek, and I urge you to continue your search within the other stalls of this fine establishment. I wish you the best of luck in your search and all future endeavors."
However, this comment did nothing to allay the frenzied jenkhead. With a swift kick, the stall door came crashing down, and I was face to face with this fearsome man. I removed my tophat and steampunk goggles as a sign of respect, but this only seemed to make the jenkhead madder. I saw him pull his fist back in preparation for punching my lights out. I reached for my tanto, but then decided to try one last tactic to diffuse this situation.
"Sir," I said calmly. "Before you beat me to a pulp and steal my precious jenk, let me ask you a quick question. Do you believe in global warming?"
The jenkhead looked confused. "Uh yeah, I guess," he replied, scratching his head with his humongous fingers.
"In John 8:12, Jesus Christ tells us that he is 'the light of the world.' We now know that the sun is the source of the world's light, as well as heat. Now, if Jesus is the primary source of heat to the Earth, and he is all-loving, all-knowing, and all-powerful, how could he possibly be heating this Earth at a rate that is not perfect?"
All of a sudden, the jenkhead's eyes opened wide and he lowered his fist. "I never thought of it that way," the jenkhead stated. I handed him a set of rosary beads, and we both immediately knelt down in that stall to play.
Suddenly, I saw a face peek out from underneath the stall next to me. It was none other than Bill Nye the Vegan Science Guy.
"Young man," Bill Nye said to me. "In all of my years pretending to be a scientist on TV, I've never heard an argument as compelling as yours. I've decided to give up my life of science and peeping at Karlie Kloss' tight booty to become a man of the Lord. However, before I leave, I'd like to give you this $25 Best Buy Gift Card." Bill Nye the Vegan Science Guy gave me a kiss on the cheek, and like that, he was gone.
Overall, it was a scary experience and this encounter with an addict really opened my eyes to just how serious the drug problems in America are.
