I had off from work this morning so I figured I'd do some shopping today at my local mall. As I was shopping, I felt the 3 redbulls I drank begging to leave my body and I rushed towards the bathroom.
I was at the urinal peeing, minding my own business, when I heard grunts and a light plopping noise from one of the stalls. I immediately stopped peeing, mid-stream (no ordinary task). Something didn't sound right.
I heard another grunt and another light plop and I realized this grunt was no ordinary grunt. Thankfully, I had recorded all the grunts on my phone, and I quickly ran them through an app I had downloaded a few days ago, Male Vocal Pattern Analyzer Lite (I'm not going to buy the full version lol). I analyzed the pitch and tone and realized that something was a little off - it did not match up with the voice patterns in the database.
I immediately put away my penis and sprinted over to the stall. I kicked in the door with all my might and the door swung back, hitting the side of the stall with a huge THUD. "DUMP POLICE!" I hollered, forcing my way into the stall. On the toilet sat a man taking what looked to be squeezing out a very hard BM, probably due to weeks of poor hydration and fiber intake.
"I'm sorry sir," I said to the man, sheathing my tanto and bowing in respect. "I noticed your vocal patterns were a little off and I-" I stopped speaking mid sentence. As I went down to gaze at his penis, I noticed that there was nothing there. Nothing.
My blood ran cold and the color drained out of my face. It all made sense now. This was no regular man - this was a trans man. I had heard rumors of these men years ago, hushed stories around the campfire of people biologically born as one sex who experienced a different gender identity. I remember laughing it off, thinking that there could never possibly be anyone different than me, since, as many of you know, I am a huge Amiibo collector.
But here I was, face to face with a transman. The men's room, a room I once called a restroom, no longer was a safe space where I could freely and openly communicate with my fellow man about how much corn was in our bowel movements - the restroom had become perverted, morphed from a safe haven for men to just a place where people pee and poop and then leave when they're done to go about their day.
I turned to run, but the man had blocked the exit to the restroom. I tried to unsheath my tanto, but the man utilized his whip-like tongue to knock it out my hand. He stood over me, prepared to deliver the killing blow.
Suddenly, from out of nowhere, a shot rang out and the man dropped to the floor and disintegrated into a green slime. Emerging from the last stall was none other than Jeff "Puff Puff I'll Pass" Sessions. He rammed another silver bullet into his rifle, fired at the goo to ensure his kill, and then helped me up.
"You did a great deed here, Mr. Shinobi," Jeff said. "Your policing of this bathroom has allowed me to peacefully take one of the most powerful BMs of my life. The poop hit the water with such force that the toilet water acted as a sort of makeshift bidet, allowing me to take a messy shit but not even have to wipe. A dump like that comes once in a lifetime, and your good deed will not go unnoticed."
Jeff "Puff Puff I'll Pass" Sessions reached into his fanny pack, pulled out a $25 Best Buy Gift Card, and handed it to me. "Use this on anything you like at over 1,900 Best Buy locations worldwide, or on their website, which offers a convenient shopping experience from the comfort of your own home." With that, Jeff gave me a kiss on the cheek and left the mens' room. I ran out to remind him to wash his hands, but like that, he was gone.
Anyway, it was a really interesting experience this morning!
Friday, January 27, 2017
Sunday, January 15, 2017
Applebees truly is an experience like no other.
Applebees is more than just a restaurant, it is an experience.
When you step through the door of the restaurant your first time, you are transported into a world unlike any other. The low light of the restaurant casts shadows on the knick-knacks adorning the walls, and the translucent hum of the various screens through the restaurant create a sort of ethereal presence in the restaurant.
Right off the bat, you know you are in for a dining experience like no other.
"Welcome to Applebees!" a cheerful host says to you. "How many are in your party?" You hold up two fingers. "Right this way!" She responds. As you walk to your table, you wonder how she can deal with so many customers, yet remain so chipper, but shrug it off as another wonderful mystery caused by the splendor of Applebees.
The waitress takes your drink order and for a moment, your head is spinning. Do you want a soda? Do you want iced tea? You look at the drink menu and you see a litany of alcohol beverages you have only dreamed about - Bud Light, Coors Light, Miller Light...
The waitress offers a helpful suggestion of an Oreo Shake, and you say that sounds great. She asks if you'd like a round of water for the table as well. You smile. This is the kind of attention to detail that you expect from Michelin Star rated restaurants, not a Neighborhood Bar & Grill!
As the waitress goes to fetch your shake, you peruse the menu. The pages are jam-packed with the names of delicacies that you can only imagine. Fiesta Lime Chicken? Shrimp N' Parmesan Sirloin? You shift in your seat; you suddenly feel very self-aware that you do not belong in this restaurant. Your palatte does not feel sophisticated enough for these cuisines, and you worry that you will not do these delicacies justice when you enjoy them.
Just at this moment, the waitress comes to your table and all your fears are dissuaded. You order the Chicken Tenders Platter (a local favorite). You take a sip from your Oreo Shake and breath a sigh of relief as liquified Oreos slide down your throat. You lean back in your booth and relax.
Suddenly, you hear a chorus of heavenly voices rise from behind you. You turn around to see all of the Applebees wait staff coming towards you, singing and clapping their hands. "Happy happy birthday, from Applebees to you," they cheer. "We wish it was our birthday, so we could party too, hey!"
As soon as they arrived, the employees scatter, leaving you to dwell on the beauty of it all; the fact that Applebees treats you with such precise, special attention, the five-star cuisine, the exotic decor, and the fact that the wait staff is so eager to share in your special moments with you.
When you step through the door of the restaurant your first time, you are transported into a world unlike any other. The low light of the restaurant casts shadows on the knick-knacks adorning the walls, and the translucent hum of the various screens through the restaurant create a sort of ethereal presence in the restaurant.
Right off the bat, you know you are in for a dining experience like no other.
"Welcome to Applebees!" a cheerful host says to you. "How many are in your party?" You hold up two fingers. "Right this way!" She responds. As you walk to your table, you wonder how she can deal with so many customers, yet remain so chipper, but shrug it off as another wonderful mystery caused by the splendor of Applebees.
The waitress takes your drink order and for a moment, your head is spinning. Do you want a soda? Do you want iced tea? You look at the drink menu and you see a litany of alcohol beverages you have only dreamed about - Bud Light, Coors Light, Miller Light...
The waitress offers a helpful suggestion of an Oreo Shake, and you say that sounds great. She asks if you'd like a round of water for the table as well. You smile. This is the kind of attention to detail that you expect from Michelin Star rated restaurants, not a Neighborhood Bar & Grill!
As the waitress goes to fetch your shake, you peruse the menu. The pages are jam-packed with the names of delicacies that you can only imagine. Fiesta Lime Chicken? Shrimp N' Parmesan Sirloin? You shift in your seat; you suddenly feel very self-aware that you do not belong in this restaurant. Your palatte does not feel sophisticated enough for these cuisines, and you worry that you will not do these delicacies justice when you enjoy them.
Just at this moment, the waitress comes to your table and all your fears are dissuaded. You order the Chicken Tenders Platter (a local favorite). You take a sip from your Oreo Shake and breath a sigh of relief as liquified Oreos slide down your throat. You lean back in your booth and relax.
Suddenly, you hear a chorus of heavenly voices rise from behind you. You turn around to see all of the Applebees wait staff coming towards you, singing and clapping their hands. "Happy happy birthday, from Applebees to you," they cheer. "We wish it was our birthday, so we could party too, hey!"
As soon as they arrived, the employees scatter, leaving you to dwell on the beauty of it all; the fact that Applebees treats you with such precise, special attention, the five-star cuisine, the exotic decor, and the fact that the wait staff is so eager to share in your special moments with you.
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