Conservatives of CE: what is the most liberal thing you've ever done?

Just this past weekend, I was headed down to my local Wal-Mart to buy some truck nuts for my lifted Ford F150. 

I was open-carrying my two AR-15s (two AR-15s to signify two genders), and as I was heading over to the automotive aisle, a little old woman called me over to a free sample table in between one of the aisles.

"Hello sir," she said to me. I paused the rendition of the National Anthem that I was listening to, took my hand off my heart, pulled out my earbuds, and took off my cowboy hat in respect to her. 

"How can I help you, ma'am?" I said. 

"Would you like to try a free sample of some turkey bacon?" She asked. I spit out my dip into my empty Monster Energy can (my third Monster of the morning) and thought for a second.

"Now miss," I said. "I don't recall reading nothing bout no turkeys in Leviticus 11. You tryin' to tell me that you fellas over at Applegate know more than the Good Book?" I reached towards my belt, prepared to pelt the old woman with bundles of Pro-Life literature I had wrapped in a rebel flag.

"Now just a second," she said, seeing my disgust. "Take a look at this picture of George W. Bush eating turkey at Thanksgiving. God spoke to this man in a dream!"

I sighed a breath of relief and took a bite of the turkey bacon. It was delicious. "Wow, this turkey bacon is better than goin' muddin in my truck on my way to the Tim McGraw concert down at the Air Force base!" I exclaimed. 

I was just about to pick up a pack to purchase when out of the corner of my eye, I spotted a man in army fatigues that I needed to thank for his service/invite to backyard wrestling.

Anyway, that was my liberal experience. What about you guys?

White guilt

Since a young age, I have experienced frequent episodes of extremely explosive, violent white guilt. Some days, it is so bad that I can do nothing but stare at the wall and sob. I shut down emotionally and am just a very difficult person to be around.

I've been dealing with this white guilt for a very long time and in the last few years, I figured enough was enough. As many of you know, I am a huge Amiibo collector, so I created a plan to deal with this guilt in a way that is productive and beneficial for all parties involved.

What I've done is created a sort of mult-racial coalition that gets together to work out race issues together. I have a few friends that I will invite out once a month to go over issues of racial sensitivity and repairing the damage my people have done towards them for decades. 

Typically, we will meet up over a casual dinner - I prefer going to Olive Garden, as that is an inclusive dining experience that is neither too casual nor too formal. When we get to the restaurant, I will typically ask the waitress for extra breadsticks, under the guise that our party is exceptionally hungry from the long drive.

As soon as the waitress brings over the breadsticks and leaves, I will dump them into a trash bag I have fixed under my shirt. A lot of people don't know this, but Olive Garden actually offers you free breadsticks for life, assuming you do not leave the restaurant. When the waitress returns to the table to take our drink order (water, of course), I will howl something like "NUMMY NUMMY. ME WANT MORE BREADSTICKS NOW. LADY GIVE!" and begin pounding on the table. She will be thrown off her guard and rush back to the kitchen to provide more breadsticks.

This is the most important part of erasing my white guilt - I will subtley take the trash bag of breadsticks outside (under the cover that I need to go smoke a cigarette - to build this illusion, I will tussle the hair of any kid waiting and go "don't start smokin', buddy. don't be like me") and empty the bag in the footwell of the passenger seat of my car. I will then return to the table and repeat this process about two or three times.

Eventually, the waitress will start to catch on and begin delaying the delivery of breadsticks. This is my cue to leave. I will ask for the bill, which is (of course) $0, and I will leave her a 20% tip ($0). I will then drive home and use the breadsticks to make sandwiches for the month.

What is the thinking man's video game?

Call of Duty WWII

This is a game for the true intellectual; stunted children (liberals) need not apply here. CoD:WWII takes 6 years of the deadliest conflict in human history and condenses them to one $60 package. You are not playing a "shooter," you are playing a slice of life itself.

As you play CoD:WWII, you will be overwhelmed with the entire human experience condensed into one 6 hour campaign. You will see battles fought with intense strategic depth (coordinated by some of the greatest strategic minds, such as Patton and Rommel). You will learn history. You will gaze upon some of the most iconic constructs of man. All of this is wrapped up in an emotional story of loss and sacrifice. If I had to describe CoD:WWII in one word, it would be "profound."

However, the true majesty of CoD:WWII does not just end there. It extends to the multiplayer component as well. Wheras the campaign tests your historical knowledge and emotional depth, the multiplayer will test your reflexes, analytical thinking, mathematical acumen, and non-linear thinking.

Competitive matches are fast, brutal, and highly strategic. Your reflexes will be tested, as will your ability to maintain composure under very high stress. After just one match, I measured my heart rate and found that it was at 200bpm; the game pushed me to my physical peak. After two matches, I found that I was started to gain near superhuman reflexes, enabling me to catch a jar my cat was pushing off the counter before the cat even fully pushed it off. After three matches, I was astrally projecting. 

Outside of the fiercely competitive multiplayer, there is also a fantastic area where you can gain points to unlock loot crates and watch other people open loot crates. Simpletons need not apply here; only the top analytical minds here will be able to keep track of all the various numbers being thrown around, and they will have to be doing combinatorics calculations on the fly in order to fully optimize their loot crate experiences. Some of the most mathematically gifted people will take great intellectual pleasure from just watching other people opening loot crates, knowing that there are so many young people in today's day and age who are deriving pleasure from such probability based math problems. 

Overall, CoD:WWII is the total package. It takes you to new emotional depths you never dreamed of, it hones your physical skills to superhuman levels, and it tests your minds with some of the most difficult math problems known to man. I can think of nothing more powerful.

I have no idea how people enjoy sex. It's too easy.

I like to think of myself as a pretty serious gamer. I've played all the "hard" games, such as Dark Souls, Dark Souls 2, Dark Souls 3, etc and I've destroyed them all. They weren't even remotely a challenge for me. I don't know if it's my quick reflexes or my tactical thinking, but if you put a video game in front of me, that game is going to be beat. The only thing that is getting in my way is a dead controller battery (and even then, I always carry backups at all times).

Lately, I've been getting into more physical activities to challenge me, as video games just do not cut it anymore. I've tried both team sports and solo activities, such as running or rock climbing, and as expected, I've dominated in each of them. However, I do find these activities fun as a change of pace from my usual gaming.

So when my new girlfriend (Michelle (pronounced Mish-elle)) asked if I wanted to try sex, I jumped at the opportunity. I've never had sex before (why waste my seed?) but I figured it would be a great chance to see if this is the ultimate test for my skills. I know lots of men brag about their sexual prowess, so I wanted to see if this was an adequate challenge for someone like me, or just another disappointment. 

To prepare, we first engaged in what Michelle called "foreplay." This was almost pathetically easy; nothing but a bunch of open mouth kisses and rhythmic breast grabs. I even noticed Michelle had her eyes closed, which I think truly illustrates the simplicity of this phase of the sexual process.

After about ten minutes of that nonsense, we decided to go right into the main event, sexual intercourse. For weeks leading up to this moment, I had practiced throwing hoops of various sizes into the air and thrusting my penis through them, simulating what I expected sex to be like, and preparing for any moment. My precision had become unmatched.

So you can imagine my disappointment when Michelle took off her pants and all there was just one hole, and a stationary hole at that. I entered this hole with absolutely no difficulty, tried a few of the trick thrusts I had practiced at home, and 30 seconds later it was over. 

After sex, I told Michelle that I had never been more disappointed in my entire life, and she agreed. How do people find any enjoyment in this? It reminded me of the quick time events in the video games I frequently dominate, only on a biological level. 

Are people really such simpletons that this is a pleasurable activity for them, or am I missing something?

The Power of Apple

When I picked up the iPhone 8, I knew this was no ordinary phone. Just one touch of the smooth glass back filled my body with a sense of energy and strength I had not felt in years.

"Careful!" my friend Mike told me. "You don't want to mess with that thing. Rumor has it that it scored over 10k on Geekbench."

I laughed. "That's nonsense," I said with a smile. "No phone has ever scored that high. Are you trying to pull the wool over ol' GB's eyes?" 

I flipped the phone over and gazed at the screen. The gorgeous Tru-Tone screen sprung to life and filled my eyes with colors that I could never have even imagined.

"WELCOME TO IPHONE," the phone said. "ARE YOU PREPARED TO EXPERIENCE TRUE POWER?" 

Mike jumped back, startled. "I told you not to fuck with that!" he screamed. "It's 10k on Geekbench! The most powerful phone ever, until the next phone that comes out this exact same time next year!"

"YOU ARE NOT WORTHY OF THIS POWER," replied the phone. A beam fired out of the iPhone 8, liquifying Mike before my eyes.

"NOW," the phone said. "WHAT WILL YOUR FIRST SEQUENCE BE?"

I looked at the gory remains of my friend. I felt the power of a 10k Geekbench score in the palm of my hand.

"iPhone, open up Facebook," I said, excited to experience such tremendous power. "I've got a post about how BLM is a domestic terrorist group to compose."

Does anyone here work in "Load Management"?

My girlfriend has been unemployed for a little while now and it's been tough on us financially.

Very recently, she found a position doing "Load Management" for a midsized company. I was really excited that she would finally be back to work and that the financial burden would be off of me.

However, I am a little skeptical of what this job actually is. The first thing that seemed odd to me is that she wore very revealing clothing to work each day. I found this odd because people don't typically dress sexy to work, but she told me that this is just how all the female employees dress. 

She tends to stay out at work very late (getting home at 2 or 3am sometimes) and when she gets back she frequently smells like cigarettes and perfume. I'll try and talk to my gf before she goes to bed but normally she only gives me short answers and says she is tired from managing so many loads that day. I also found it a little weird that her job pays her entirely in cash. 

I tried googling the company my gf works for and I could not find anything, and when I called the number it was unavailable. 

I'm going to confront my gf tonight and see what the deal is, because I think her job might be a scam, but I figured I'd ask on here and see if anyone has any experience with Load Management, if they've ever worked in that industry, etc.

Thanks a lot guys!

Couldn't sleep last night, was up thinking of how powerful the Xbox One X is

Typically I go to bed around 11 every night, so I'm well-rested and energized for work the next day.

Last night, I got into bed at 11 as usual, but when I closed my eyes, I just couldn't fall asleep. My mind was racing. The Xbox One X is not only the most powerful console ever created, but it is also the smallest console on the market. 

I tossed and turned in bed. I could not get comfortable. How could I expect to just drift off to sleep knowing that this November, just 4 months from now,gamers will get to experience true raw power, right from their living rooms?

I called up my girlfriend, who goes to bed at 8pm (as women are wont to do). "Hey babe," I said. I could hear her shifting from her sleep. "I can't sleep. I keep thinking of how powerful Microsoft's latest console, the Xbox One X is. Never before has a home console been a 6 teraflop powerhouse before and contained 12GB of RAM."

"Babe," she said, "it's 11pm. I need my 16 hours of sleep so I can face a full day tomorrow of being indecisive about what I want to eat for every meal. Why are you so concerned with such raw power so late at night?"

I howled with disgust. "Woman, listen to me," I screamed into the phone. "It is not every day that such a powerful console comes out. There has never been a console with such speed, yet such elegance, and there never will be again, at least until Microsoft makes the next Xbox. If you cannot understand this situation then perhaps we should see other people."

With that, I hung up on my ex-girlfriend and chucked my iPhone across the room. It smashed against the wall and landed into a pile of my other broken iPhones. Now I am exhausted at work and the Xbox One X is still the most powerful and smallest console on the market.